Every Fool's Guide to the Universe

Fascist Revival

2006-08-30T19:30:00.000-04:00

President George Bush Junior tells us that his critics are weak on Islamic Fascism.

Say what?

Let's review. The fascist movement, as practiced in the first half of the twentieth century in Italy, Germany, and Spain, was above all fiercely nationalistic. They glorified war and conquest. Fascists were strongly capitalist and widely supported by big business interests. They stressed national identity, one party rule, and the systematic repression of other races and ethnic groups.

In the fascist world view, individual rights must be sacrificed to serve the state. Any dissent was considered an attack on the homeland and vigorously suppressed. They believed that legitimacy flowed from force and power.

The leader was granted, or more likely seized, dictatorial powers that were unchecked by other branches or levels of government. Fear and coercion were employed as tools of control over the masses. External threats were cited as justification for brutal crackdowns on domestic populations. The secret police held prisoners in undisclosed locations under cruel conditions without any legal process.

In a fascist regime, loyalty was valued above skill, conformity above thought, and dogma above truth.

Even though his analogy is flawed and counterproductive, maybe just this once, Bush knows what he's talking about...
Fascism

Alive!

2006-08-29T19:00:00.000-04:00

Yes, I'm back. The past several months have been filled with challenges of many sorts, but I believe things are now looking up on several fronts.

K and I just celebrated our first anniversary. The kids are back in school. My stalwart is back on the team. My son is out of the hospital, hopefully for good. Grandma is satisfied. K's job situation is settled.

There's much left to do and worries remain, but I am beginning to feel positive about a number of topics.

Who's knows? Maybe I'll even have something to say about the Bushies' amazing slo-mo crash and burn.

Concert Review: Paul McCartney 10/22/05

2005-10-23T18:00:00.000-04:00

You know it's a great concert when the songs run through your head all the following day. So it was with the Paul McCartney show last night in Columbus.

K had knee surgery last week, so we invited Hedwig to attend in her place. I knew she hadn't seen Paul McCartney before, but after the show, I learned that this was Hedwig's first rock concert. I can't imagine a better beginning.

Our seats were in the first row of the upper deck, about halfway back from the stage. It was a real luxury to be able to sit and watch a concert without some drunken halfwit in front who insists upon standing the entire time. I'm enthusiastic about seeing Paul McCartney and his band. But standing on concrete for three hours straight is not my favorite experience.

The show was scheduled to start at 8:00pm, but at that hour, approximately half the crowd was absent. I imagine many people were delayed by the tight security at the door. They were wanding everyone and digging through women's handbags.

Beginning about 7:30, constantly evolving paintings were projected onto the large screens in front of the stage. This display was accompanied by a blend of symphonic music. We hypothesized that it was probably something composed by Paul, but I can't confirm that. Dual rotating disco balls created an undulating appearance on the floor below us.

At about 8:25, a DJ came out and presented a remix medley of Paul McCartney tunes. It had a very techno feel. Familiar melodies and words were repeated over and over atop thundering beats. The video display behind the remix medley consisted of dancing images from McCartney album covers. The DJ was interesting for the first five or ten minutes, but thereafter became an annoying distraction. The concept has been used more effectively before (most notably by U2 during their Pop tour). The crowd was clearly ready for the main event.

It was about 8:45 when the DJ finished. They then showed a short film featuring Paul reflecting upon his long and successful career. There were some great pictures and stories. It concluded with concert footage that led into the band's appearance on stage.

I can't tell you the exact sequence of songs (I'm sure someone will post it soon), but here's what I remember:

Magical Mystery Tour - A marvelous start. I was certainly ready to "roll up."

Jet - This was the first of many songs that showed off the skill of McCartney's keyboardist/musical director.

Drive My Car - Light and happy.

Let Me Roll It - Great guitar work, plus a Hendrix Foxy Lady riff at the end!

Hey Jude - A classic with an audience sing-along.

Let It Be - Paul played the "magic piano" with one candle atop it.

Live and Let Die - The song was almost overshadowed by the explosive pyrotechnics.

I Will - Always a beautiful song and, last night, it was a delightful surprise.

Too Many People - Excellent version.

I've Got a Feeling - Another great surprise. It really rocked.

Eleanor Rigby - As amazing as the synthesized instruments were, the pseudo-stings seemed unconvincing here.

Helter Skelter - Rock and Roll!

Band on the Run - Some of the subtleties were lost amid the aural barrage. Nevertheless, always a fan favorite.

Back in the USSR - The song was accompanied by projected images from the Soviet era on a red background.

Penny Lane - Paul was in great voice.

She Came in Through the Bathroom Window - Another rare gem.

Fixing a Hole - Sergeant Pepper's magic still lives.

Maybe I'm Amazed - A hole opened in the floor and a piano appeared.

Get Back - Not quite the rooftop performance, but memorable nonetheless

Please Please Me - I always thought was John's song, but Paul did a nice job with it.

Blackbird - Absolutely the highlight of the evening for me. He started with a story about how he derived the melody from a Bach piece.

For No One - Another fantastic surprise.

I'll Follow the Sun - Happy and sunny. I enjoyed the three silly false endings.

Got to Get You into my Life - This song invented a new rock genre. I didn't think he could perform it onstage without a horn section, but the synthesized horns were respectable.

The Long and Winding Road - This version seemed to lack the regret that saturates the original. It was marvelous.

Good Day Sunshine - Paul introduced the song by describing how NASA used it this year to wake the space shuttle astronauts on the morning they returned to Earth.

Sgt Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band (Reprise) / The End - This was a fun final encore. They blended the end of Sgt Pepper with the finale from Abbey Road. These songs worked well together.

There were also four or five new songs I cannot name. They weren't bad, but none were especially notable either.

The concert concluded about 11:30. McCartney and his band played for over two and a half hours without an intermission.

Paul seemed to be in an excellent mood. He had a lot to say and clowned with the audience between songs. For a 63-year old, he looked great and never appeared tired.

The band was strong. The drummer, in particular, was animated and an aggressive player. The guitarists were able to transform rapidly to fit McCartney's many styles and sounds. The keyboardist played at least six real instruments and dozens of virtual ones. All of the musicians contributed to the vocal harmonies.

The sound was in a word, loud. I don't recall walking away from the 2002 concert with fuzzy ears, but I did last night. I suppose it's excusable for a bass player, but I thought the bass part was a little too heavy. A few times, such as during Band on the Run, it semeed that the mix was off. But overall, most of the songs sounded more or less as they should.

The stage was an important part of the show. The designers used an innovative LCD system that made the stage itself another view screen. I think those of us in the upper deck had a much better view of this aspect than anyone else in the arena. There were also robotically controlled lights above and behind the stage that were reconfigured for each song.

I thought during the show that the set list strongly favored Beatles material at the expense of solo and Wings songs. Now I write them down, this was clearly the case. As a longtime Beatles fan, I have no complaints with these selections. There will always be other songs one would like to hear, especially for an artist with as broad a catalog as McCartney's. That, I suppose, is what keeps fans coming back.

Before the show, I told Hedwig that Sir Paul was arguably the greatest living rock and roll artist. He did nothing last night to convince me otherwise. It was a splendid show before an adoring crowd. If and when he returns (Perhaps the "When I'm 64 Tour?"), I plan to be there.
McCartney concert review Paul McCartney

Cigarettes Damage Brain Functions

2005-10-15T23:30:00.000-04:00

A recently released study from the University of Michigan indicates that regular use of cigarettes is harmful to memory, problem solving, and intelligence. This news comes as yet another devastating revelation for smokers.

Given the many other public health issues linked to cigarettes, these findings are hardly a surprise. Even so, I have to question the report's research methodology. To me, it's just as plausible that diminished intelligence causes smoking.
Cigarettes Brain Humor

Nancy and Tonya: The Opera

2005-10-14T23:30:00.000-04:00

I'll admit I didn't see this one coming at all. News reports this week announced that composer Abigal Al Doory and lyricist Elizabeth Searle are creating a new opera based upon the story of Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding.

This production could be fantastic, but only if it's a farce.

Trailer Park Tonya and her band of bumbling goons make ideal comic villains. They were stupid, boorish, argumentative, and yet, appropriately malevolent. Ex-husband and ringleader Jeff Gillooley was a weasel bent upon impressing Tonya. There aren't many women who are impressed by assault, but Tonya is probably among them.

Nancy, of course, is their polar opposite. If you believed her press, she was as pure as the driven snow and as sweet as sugar. No one that innocent could really survive in the world for long, but that was Nancy's carefully cultivated image.

The story itself could be written as a tragedy since neither competitor won the coveted gold medal. But the comedic aspects are just so much more fun. Tonya, uncouth, selfish, and worldly, takes on Nancy, stuffy, refined, and maidenly. Everyone in this story was basically a caricature, even before the press spun it into a fairy tale gone wrong.

I look forward to learning how this goofy spectacle is transformed into art. Let it be silly. Just make it a farce...
Kerrigan Harding Opera

More Support for Medical Marijuana

2005-10-14T22:30:00.000-04:00

A recent Canadian study again affirmed the benefits of drugs derived from the marijuana plant. In this study, scientists showed that a cannabinoid compound actually caused the growth of brain cells in rats. It also appeared to reduce behaviors related to anxiety and depression.

Meanwhile, our government tells us that they are certain that none of this works in humans and prohibits research that might prove otherwise. We call that the scientific method, Republican style.

I suppose if you're telling people that God created the universe seven thousand years ago, the reefer madness fable constitutes nothing more than a little white lie.

By the way. there was no word on whether the rats got the munchies.
Marijuana Medicine Pot

Do You Hear Music?

2005-10-14T21:30:00.000-04:00

OK, now here's a device the world desperately needs. BT Futurology is combining two popular technological breakthroughs into a single integrated product. Well, on second thought, let's make that a double integrated product.

They want to create an MP3 player that resides inside breast implants. The player will be placed within one breast while the solid state storage will be implanted in the other. Bluetooth wireless technology will drive headphones and allow the device to be controlled.

This is an intriguing possibility, on so many levels. However, in the name of consumer safety, here are a few questions that I believe should be answered before this product is tested on real women:

How do you recharge the battery?
Can the breasts be connected to my car stereo?
Will it run iTunes?
What are your plans for support?
Show me again, how do you change the song?
Will the implants interoprate with the Bluetooth wireless underwire bra?
Is anti-spyware protection included?
What are the chances the RIAA will show up and want to check for illegal downloads?
Is it true that all music plays in stereo?
Isn't this a little early for April Fool's Day?

MP3 Breasts Humor

A Mission from God

2005-10-10T23:00:00.000-04:00

Last week, the BBC quoted Palestinian Deputy Prime Minister Nabil Shaath as stating that US President George Bush Junior said "I'm driven with a mission from God" during a 2003 meeting.

The White House denies this exchange ever happened. I'm inclined to believe the Palestinian source because (a) this is a named, on the record official who definitely met with Bush during the time in question, (b) the Bush administration's well established inclination and ability to bend the truth, and, most convincing of all, (c) Bush's demonstrated fondness for invoking his deity whenever times are tough.

How often has Bush referenced God while president? I don't anyone who can produce an accurate figure, but we can get a hint by searching Google for the terms "Bush" and "God." If you do, you'll find 37.9 million hits! It's hardly coincidence that those two words occur together so frequently. For comparison, a similar search using the terms "Clinton" and "God" yields a mere 13.5 million hits.

Immediately after 9/11, Bush enraged and alienated the Muslim world by calling for a new "crusade" against terrorism. In interviews with Bob Woodward, he spoke of appealing to a "higher father" concerning the war in Iraq. Bush State of the Union addresses are heavily seasoned with references to the US doing God's work.

With this track record, the statements attributed to George Bush Junior are absolutely credible. Let's play them back one more to time just to get the full impact of his words.

I'm driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, 'George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan'. "And I did, and then God would tell me, 'George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq'. And I did. "And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me, 'Go get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle East'. And by God I'm gonna do it'"

Even the clumsy sentence construction and ersatz folksiness sound right. I'm convinced he said this, or something very close. This quote frankly sounds irrational at best. Worse yet, Bush was speaking to people from a different culture without any awareness of the meaning of his words in that context.

All of this God-speak no doubt plays well down in Texas. However, for many Americans, let alone the rest of the world, it comes off as intolerant, culturally arrogant, and generally offensive. It pains me to see my country so thoroughly discredited and so universally despised.

Do you suppose we can extricate ourselves from this disaster by praying that God tells Bush to resign? I thought not.
Bush God Politics

Internet Spat

2005-10-05T19:30:00.000-04:00

To my eyes, this site doesn't look quite right. Many visitors, including me, cannot see the graphics. The reason is a petty spat between two Internet service providers. Both Cogent and Level 3 are US firms. If the government can't or won't prevent them from obstructing the flow of data traffic over the public Internet, perhaps their customers will. I suggest it's time to return the favor and shut off the flow of cash to both Level 3 and Cogent.
Internet Cogent Level 3

Harriet Miers

2005-10-04T00:00:00.000-04:00

A Supreme Court justice who has never been a judge is like an engineer who has never ridden on a train.
Miers Supreme Court Justice

More Cleveland Sports Misery

2005-10-02T17:00:00.000-04:00

I updated my post on Fifty Years of Cleveland Sports Misery to include the Indians' total collapse this week.

I think it's a fairly comprehensive list. But if you are a fan of the Browns, Indians, or Cavaliers, be warned. It's depressing to think about all of these events at one time.
Cleveland Sports Cleveland Browns Cleveland Indians

What's In a Name? Money!

2005-09-27T23:00:00.000-04:00

Have you heard about the offer recently made to the small town of Sharer, Kentucky? An online gambling site called PokerShare.com offered the town $100,000 if it would change its name ever so slightly to match the name of the site.

This proposal is the latest in a long line of corporate naming schemes. It started, I suppose, with radio. Shows even then had names like the Texaco Star Theater. With the advent of television, naming became even more common. TV shows in the 1950s often had a single very visible sponsor.

More recently, sporting events and venues have taken on corporate monikers. We have the Nokia Sugar Bowl, Heinz Field, and the Nextel Cup (now that cigarette-maker Winston is a pariah). Here in Columbus, Ohio, we even have Value City Arena (shudder).

Suddenly, corporate naming is everywhere. Companies sponsor rock concerts and theater productions. Naturally, they plaster their brand all over everything even vaguely related to these events.

As it turns out, the city leaders in Sharer decided they didn't really want to live in a dot-com, especially when poker was involved. As Darren Shuster, the poker-meister, points out, there will be other towns and some of them will undoubtedly seek to sell their civic souls to get rich quick.

I propose a compromise that should make everyone happy. To resolve this issue and restore public trust in our communities, I am willing to offer my services. In exchange for the sum of $100,000, I will rename this blog to pretty nearly anything. It could be, for example, the I Love Poker blog. I don't, but who cares? I'll even advertise computer products if that's who's paying the freight.

I feel like a prostitute, but I just keep telling myself that my selfless sacrifice is for the sake of humanity. Without my intervention, who knows how many other small towns could be scandalized? With a little luck, we'll never know...
Naming Humor Poker

Spam I'd Like to See

2005-09-25T23:00:00.000-04:00

We receive entirely too much annoying spam. Filters work mostly, sort of, at least for a while. But a few carefully constructed messages always manage to get through.

In order to reduce the volume of spam, I propose that all unsolicited electronic mail be consolidated into a single weekly message. I suggest that spammers might consent to this plan if consumers agree to not filter this one ultimate message.

It's still rough, but here's a draft of the first week's uber-spam:

Dear sir / madam / customer / friend / neighbor / colleague,

My name is Viagra Rogaine. My brother-in-law was married to the daughter of the former Nigerian oil minister. I would like to offer you a one time opportunity to lower your mortgage rate and improve your love life by investing in genuine knock-off wristwatches. Major US corporations such as General Motors and Boeing routinely employ this unique purchasing method for the best customers. Previous buyers have realized returns ten times higher than the Dow Jones index.

To ensure your eligibility for this special never to be repeated promotional program, we need to know that you are a person of high quality. Please click on the link at the bottom of this message and be prepared to provide a few basic informational items:

full legal name, address, city, state, zip code, country, time zone, phone number, birth date, gender, sexual preference, social security number, checking account number, credit card numbers with expiration dates, mother's maiden name, current employer and salary, immunization records, blood type, food allergies, height, weight, hair color, eye color, fingernail color, e-mail address, fax number, cell number, pager number, distinguishing marks, scars, or tattoos, ADA handicaps, dating history, credit rating, car brand and make, mortgage lender, shoe size, favorite color, blood pressure, driver's license number, veteran status, spouse's name, children's names, pets' names, nicknames, and hat size.

Thank you for your interest.

http://scam.ptbarnum.ru

It needs a few more spelling errors, but it could work!
Spam e-mail Humor

Down the Slippery Slope

2005-09-25T10:00:00.000-04:00

China is stepping up its program of censoring Web content with which the government doesn't agree. Totalitarian regimes have always tried to limit the flow of information into and out of oppressed countries. That way, they can control what the population knows. The Web makes this kind of censorship more difficult, but apparently, not impossible.

Here in the US, we have a bill of rights that guarantees free speech. The government can't just jail people whose views they don't like. Right? Apparently not so under the Bush administration. The FBI is diverting resources from combating terrorism, organized crime, and corruption to focus upon pornography. No kidding.

I have no special love for porn or the people who make it. However, I recognize that many consumers enjoy that kind of entertainment. The point is that it shouldn't be up to me, you, the government, or anyone else to determine what consenting adults watch (or do) in their homes. Erotic entertainment is an art form, and, as such, has a legitimate presence in the marketplace.

I suggest that when one of our freedoms is supressed, all are in peril. Even though I am not a consumer of porn, I am concerned by this administration's moral crusade. It opens the door for more abuses. Might, for example, criticism of the government be the next target? I'm sure Chinese activists would tell us that's a real possibility, if they could.

This discussion is not about exploiting children. No sane person would ever advocate that. Nor is it about exposing children to this material. This concern can and should be managed by responsible parents.

I advocate the very Republican concept that government should not intrude into the private lives of its citizens. Besides, since when do American conservatives take their lead from Chinese communists?

Free Speech Censorship

Crystal Ball: Previewing Tomorrow’s History

2005-09-23T22:00:00.000-04:00

Here's a future that could be.

2006: Al Qaeda claims credit for hurricanes that strike the US. George Bush responds by asking Congress for more money to fight terrorism in Iraq.

2007: SMAC, the straight male actors’ coalition protests the casting of a gay actor in the lead role for the new Broadway musical adaptation of Three’s Company.

2008: International observers from Haiti and Bosnia arrive to monitor US elections.

2009: Major earthquake hits Southern California. Real estate developers rush to the scene to promote new luxury beachfront communities.

2010: President Jeb Bush faces impeachment charges after attempting to annex Mexico without the approval of Congress.

2011: Doctors at Johns Hopkins University announce the first brain transplant procedure. Brittany Spears offers to be a donor, but gets no takers.

2012: In the run up to the presidential election, the administration announces an end to tax cuts because the rate has reached zero.

2013: The Energy Department approves oil drilling on the National Mall in Washington.

2014: US declares war on Jamaica. President Neil Bush explains, “It’s about time we won one of these things.”

2015: Baseball record book is divided into “before steroids” and “after steroids” sections.

2016: Arnold Schwarzenegger declares himself Fuhrer.

2017: Jerry Falwell III holds a telethon to raise money for his campaign to extend suffrage to fetuses.

2018: The nuclear power industry extols the beneficial effects of genetic mutations.

2019: Consumers save time by visiting a combination loan office and gas station.

2020: Bill Gates becomes the first human to be transformed into a fully cybernetic being. Shortly thereafter, he contacts a virus and cannot be rebooted.

...or perhaps not.
Crystal Ball Future Humor

Delta Doubletalk

2005-09-22T23:30:00.000-04:00

I received a promotional flyer today from my favorite bankrupt airline.

This pitch provides conclusive evidence that the marketing staff has been mating with the attorneys!

It begins like this:

Easier to Use - Finding your way around delta.com has never been easier. Simply click where you want to go and you're on your way.

I think this means that their Web site isn't the byzantine mess it used to be.

Low Fare Promise* - You can find Delta's lowest fares on delta.com.

The asterisk refers to small print that reads:

*Low Fare Promise means the lowest fare published on delta.com at the time of inquiry. All fares subject to change.

OK, so the fare on the Web site is the fare on the Web site. That should be an easy promise to keep.

Risk-Free Cancellation** - If you change your mind or find a lower fare, you can cancel certain tickets for a full refund.

That sounds fine. However, we again must consider the fine print:

Cancellation request must be made by midnight the first day of travel or midnight the day after the purchase is made, whichever comes first.

In other words, if you don't cancel within the first 24 hours after you buy the tickets, all of the standard hassles apply.

C'mon Delta. You don't just insult our intelligence. Your own is very much in question.
Delta Airlines Marketing

Fuel on the Fire?

2005-09-20T23:30:00.001-04:00

Toshiba is developing an MP3 player powered by a methanol-based fuel cell. This technology has the potential to expand the continuous operating life of such devices tenfold.

It's an intriguing prospect. There's just one problem. What are the odds that the Transportation Security Administration will ban them from airplanes because methanol is highly flammable? Next thing you know, everyone with a portable music player will be pulled out of line as a possible terrorist.

Maybe I'll stick with those fickle lithium batteries for a while longer.

Technology MP3 Fuel Cell

Saving Face

2005-09-18T21:30:00.000-04:00

Doctors at Cleveland Clinic will soon attempt the first ever face transplant. I believe there are people ravaged by disease or disfigured by injury for whom this operation will be the most viable alternative. However, I suspect that most of the patients will be celebrities and celebrity-wannabes who seek to enhance their appearance.

Here's my list of the ideal celebrity surgical candidates:

Michael Jackson
Cher
Lyle Lovett
Steve Buscemi
Sandra Bernhard
Mike Tyson
Steven Tyler
Ben Stein
Joan Rivers
Dennis Rodman

For some patients, even a botched transplant might constitute an improvement.
Face Transplant Celebrity Humor

Thanks for Stopping!

2005-09-17T16:00:00.000-04:00

I appreciate your visits and your comments. I hope you enjoy the information and opinion you find here.

AOL Flirts with Microsoft

2005-09-16T21:00:00.000-04:00

Microsoft is considering expanding their strategic relationship with AOL. Microsoft is already paying AOL to use a customized version of Internet Explorer for AOL customers instead of its own Netscape browser. Any future deal is likely to involve Microsoft compensating AOL to force additional Microsoft technology upon their customers.

This development raises the specter of an AOL that is not merely lame, but insidious as well. Accordingly, I suggest it may be time to change AOL's acronym. Rather than the archaic sounding "America Online," how about these updated alternatives?

10.     Average Ordinary Loser

  9.     Angry Over Latency

  8.     Amateur Operation Lately

  7.     Any Old Larceny

  6.     Amazingly Opaque License

  5.     Actually Optimized Lethargy

  4.     Already Odd Legacy

  3.     Accountants Obfuscated Liabilities

  2.     Always Obviously Lame

  1.     Accumulating Outrageous Losses

Catchy, aren't they? Maybe honesty has a place in advertising after all...
AOL Microsoft Humor

Global Warming Linked to Severe Hurricanes

2005-09-15T23:00:00.000-04:00

A new study suggests that the increase in the most destructive hurricanes is linked to global warming.

There it is.

Not only did the Bush administration fail to prepare for a natural disaster.
Not only did they neglect the levees that were supposed to protect New Orleans.
Not only did they arrive five days late for the rescue effort.
Not only did they demonstrate an astonishing lack of sensitivity in the face of widespread suffering.
They also helped to create the environmental conditions that contributed to this killer hurricane.

Remember the Kyoto Protocol? Had the Bush administration not rejected it, how many lives today and in the future could have been saved?

Hurricane Global Warming Bush

The Sixty Five Percent Solution

2005-09-14T20:30:00.000-04:00

Any time conservatives say they want to improve education, you can be sure there's a scam afoot. So it is here in Ohio.

Kenneth Blackwell, a conservative Republican candidate for governor, wants to amend the state constitution to require public school districts to spend at least 65% of their budget on classroom instruction. This proposal is an exquisitely bad concept.

The supporters claim their motivation is to clean out districts that have grown top heavy with administrators. Unfortunately, it would have the effect of eliminating counselors, curriculum staff, bus drivers, custodians, secretaries, food service workers, and school nurses. Beyond staffing considerations, the amendment would tie the hands of school boards and administrators who face rising utility and fuel costs, growing insurance expenses, and maintenance of aging facilities.

The most obviously offensive element of this plan is its one-size-fits-all approach. There is no consideration for local tax rates, student funding levels, or fixed costs. An affluent suburban district shouldn't be expected to operate exactly like a struggling rural district, let alone a sprawling urban district.

I always thought conservatives stood for less government interference and more local control. Not so in this instance... until we look a bit deeper. I believe the real agenda is to destroy, or at least, weaken public education. This proposal fits well into the pattern of charter schools, vouchers, tax cuts, and public support for religious education. All of these measures adversely impact the funding of public school districts.

The conservatives' second objective is to divert attention away from absolute spending levels and focus instead upon the distribution of whatever funds are available. The former is an equity discussion that invites comparison of rich and poor districts, fiscal remediation, and revisiting the methods of taxation. To most Republicans, that is scary stuff indeed. They would much rather talk in vague terms about improving the quality of classroom education even as they strangle the public education system. Hence, the 65% solution is largely a red herring.

Whatever the type of fish, I suggest it's dead and rotting. It should be taken out to the dumpster at the first opportunity.
Ohio Education Politics

Security for Sale

2005-09-13T23:30:00.000-04:00

Bill Gates says we should upgrade to the new versions of Windows and Office. Among the key features he mentioned was enhanced security.

This pronouncement seems to be an acknowledgement that their previous versions had some problems in this regard. When Windows 2000 and Windows XP were unveiled, each was billed as the most secure operating system ever created. If either product ever held such a title, they lost it shortly after release.

If history provides any guide, Windows Vista might well be cleaner than its predecessor, but it will retain enough vulnerabilities to sell its successor.

Microsoft Windows Security

Constructive Politics

2005-09-11T22:30:00.000-04:00

It's easy to criticize the current Republican administration. One party rule has resulted in abuses that are now obvious to anyone whose head isn't buried in the sand. I have certainly joined the chorus in legitimately slamming the president and his cronies. As we look toward the future, though, merely finding fault is not sufficient.

Let's consider some policy alternatives. What kind of programs should our next administration pursue? The answer to this question holds the future (or lack thereof) of our nation.

Setting Our Nation Back on Course

Strengthen our future workforce by investing in education at all levels

Improve competitiveness by investing in transportation, utilities, and public services

Restore public and private funding for basic research

Reform the patent system to better balance innovation and public interest

Provide citizens with universal health care coverage

Mandate protection of employee pension funds

Implement programs to reward energy conservation

Redirect the military to focus upon defending the US homeland and limited international peacekeeping missions

Foster mutually beneficial relationships with other nations and work cooperatively within the world community

Shrink the federal budget deficit by rolling back tax cuts and controlling spending

Simplify the tax system by eliminating most special interest tax breaks

Adjust immigration policy to favor workers in fields where labor shortages exist

Tax excess corporate profits to limit gouging within monopolistic and oligopolistic markets

Restore environmental, food safety, and consumer protection regulations

Neither impede not promote the practice of religion

Reorient homeland security programs to consider a broader range of threats and prioritize based upon risk analyses

Expand job development incentives and create disincentives for sending jobs overseas

Enact a constitutional amendment that formally establishes citizens' right to privacy

This plan envisions an America that is lean, focused, and competitive. Government is an essential component of this strategy, but by no means the only element. Government activities should center upon those functions the private sector cannot or will not manage effectively.

Please don't let anyone tell you that Democrats have no ideas. That oft-repeated charge simply isn't true.
Politics Democratic USA

Coming Soon: Conservative Video Games

2005-09-08T23:00:00.000-04:00

Did you read that Rupert Murdoch's News Corp announced its intention to acquire IGN Entertainment? IGN develops and operates Web-based video games. News Corp is the parent company of the Fox Network. Let's examine some new games that might result from this marriage...

Oil Tycoon - Run your own multinational petroleum conglomerate! Control supplies, set prices, collude with competitors, rip off the public and watch your profits soar.

Grand Theft Politician - Grow your campaign war chest by granting unbid contracts to big contributors. Make deals. Sell access. Bask in the sheer power of it all!

The Dims - Help the first family through difficult challenges such as choosing a vacation destination, photo ops with funny looking foreigners, and first daughter substance abuse issues.

Womb Raider - Fight for life by yelling at pregnant women. Save innocent third world people from the dangers of contraceptives.

Leisure Suit Limbaugh - You can be a loud lout! Grab the microphone and spew whatever random propaganda comes to mind. Forget the truth, just make it right (wing).

Blech Warrior - Welcome to Pollution USA. You can befoul ground water, fill the air with smoke, dump toxic chemicals, poison wildlife, kill trees, promote global warming, and release radioactive material. Move up the Superfund list as your skills improve. Dodge regulation to maximize your stock price.

Snac Man Junior - Gobble up government funds for senseless wars and dubious domestic initiatives. Divert dollars away from infrastructure, then blame others when disaster strikes.

Uncivilization - Finish first by driving the biggest SUV. Demonstrate your innate superiority by talking on the cell phone while weaving through rush hour traffic. Ignore the peons and invest in productive business relationships.

Yes, I believe there is money to be made in Republican video games.
Republican Video Games Humor

We Now Know Where the President Gets His Wit

2005-09-07T23:00:00.000-04:00

The first mother spoke to reporters yesterday after visiting a relocation center in the Houston Astrodome. As her eldest son does so frequently, she delivered a truly memorable quote:

"What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is (chuckle) working very well for them."

Isn't that amazingly insensitive? First, she thinks it's scary that these poor African-American people from New Orleans might choose to stay in Texas. The former first lady then proceeds to suggest that because economically disadvantaged people don't have many possessions, they should be happy with anything at all. In her world, their suffering simply isn't very important.

Were she not a member of the Bush family, we might suspect the onset of Alzheimer's disease.

Naturally, the White House jumped in to spin her remarks. A spokesman explained that Mrs. Bush "was making a personal observation on some of the comments that people were making that she was running into." Yeah right.

Let them eat cake!
Katrina Barbara Astrodome

Lord Mister Ford

2005-09-07T19:30:00.000-04:00

I've been driving for thirty years and I've never owned a car that wasn't a product of Ford Motor Company. It's important to me to keep manufacturing jobs in America. I've been as loyal a customer as any company could want.

I think it's time to conclude my relationship with Ford. My patience is exhausted. I just paid my local Ford dealer over $800 to install a plastic part that cost $8.77. No kidding.

They had to remove and replace the steering column and dashboard in order to repair my air conditioning. This was the third HVAC repair for this car in the past year. Actually, it was a year and two weeks. Had it been less than a year, the service advisor told me this repair might have been covered by warranty. Swell.

To add insult to injury, now there's something not exactly right about the driver's seat.

Needless to say, I'm pretty disgusted.
Ford Taurus Maintenance

Pop Quiz

2005-09-06T23:00:00.000-04:00

According to SecurityFocus.com, how many Windows XP vulnerabilities have been exposed so far in 2005?

Microsoft Vulnerabilities Exploits

The Hypocrites Hall of Fame

2005-09-05T22:00:00.000-04:00

Wikipedia defines a hypocrite as someone who claims "to have morals or virtues that one does not truly possess or practice." There's certainly plenty of that going around these days. Today's list is not for your average run of the mill hypocrites. Rather, we seek to identify those of extraordinary moral contradiction.

Here are ten individuals who exemplify the most offensive aspects of hypocrisy:

George Bush Junior - The president tells us how the sacrifices resulting from his war are vital to the country's survival. Yet when his turn came during the Viet Nam war, he used his father's influence to avoid service.
Rush Limbaugh - Despite his relentless tirades against the evils of drugs, Limbaugh saw no contradiction in spending his days blasted out of his skull on Oxycontin.
Jesse Jackson - After preaching for years about the need for marital fidelity, Rev. Jackson admitted in 2000 that he fathered a child with his longtime mistress.
Newt Gingrich - This self-proclaimed moral authority was fined $300,000 for misusing tax exempt organizations for political purposes.
Bill O'Reilly - O'Reilly said "If the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush administration again." Not only does he still trust the Bush administration, O'Reilly remains the Republicans' head cheerleader in the media.
Jerry Falwell - This conservative TV clergyman and leader of the "Moral Majority" was fined by the Federal Election Commission for illegally transferring $6.7 million dollars from his ministry to political action committees.
Jim Bakker - Bakker was a moral crusader until his affair with church secretary Jessica Hahn was exposed.
Pat Robertson - Televangelist Pat Robertson recently called upon the CIA to assassinate Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. What would Jesus do?
Pete Rose - Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, "Charlie Hustle" refused for years to admit betting on baseball while he was the manager of the Cincinnati Reds. He now appears at Caesar's Palace.
Jimmy Swaggert - Shortly after Swaggert declared Jim Bakker to be "a cancer on the body of Christ" for his indiscretions, he was caught with a hooker.

There they are, a rather unsavory lot by any measure.

Where, you might ask, is Bill Clinton? He certainly engaged in plenty of bad behavior. However, the difference between Clinton and the people on this list is that he never claimed to morally superior to anyone. He might be a first class rogue, but as a hypocrite, he simply doesn't rate.
Hypocrite Hypocrites Hall of Fame

A Tale of Two Presidents

2005-09-04T23:30:00.000-04:00

Abraham Lincoln	George W Bush
Born on the frontier in a log cabin	Born into wealth and luxury
Self-educated	Slept through class in the finest schools
Worked his way up in Illinois politics	Used his father’s name and influence to advance
Split rails	Mismanaged oil companies
Served as a captain in the Illinois militia	Dodged the Vietnam war thanks to his father
Fought a war started by others to reunite the nation	Started a war that divided the nation
Emancipated the slaves	Disenfranchised African-Americans
Spoke simply and told the truth	Speaks simply
Unified diverse factions behind a single goal	Pursues divisive policies and redefines goals often
Eloquent orator	Supplies material for late night monologues
Born on the same day as Charles Darwin	Born on the same day as Sylvester Stallone
Suffered from depression	Partied too much
Said “You can’t fool all of the people all of the time”	Tries to fool all of the people all of the time

President Lincoln

Thumbs Down: Yahoo

2005-09-04T19:00:00.000-04:00

With the latest release of their instant messenger client, Yahoo has adopted software installation practices pioneered by spyware developers. When a user downloads the newest YIM client using the typical setting, they also unwittingly agree to install a number of other software packages. Among them is a feature know as "live words" that automatically pops up links to Yahoo content while the user is browsing the Web. This behavior seems remarkably similar to what most of us consider adware. Ironically, another package that is covertly installed is the Yahoo toolbar. It claims to offer anti-spyware and anti-popup capabilities. One has to suspect that other Yahoo products get a free pass.

Yahoo, like most purveyors of adware and spyware, claims that people want these services. Were that the case, Yahoo wouldn't have to use deceptive tactics to entice users to install them.

Shame on you, Yahoo. If you want to be a leader, then you must lead by setting a positive example. On the other hand, if you aspire to be a second rate, me-too adware vendor, then excuse me. You are doing everything right.
Yahoo Adware

A Practical Argument Against DRM

2005-09-04T16:30:00.000-04:00

There are plenty of good arguments against the various digital rights management (copy protection) schemes. You've heard them:

DRM forces consumers to purchase products multiple times

Quality of the product suffers

Legitimate uses and users can be locked out

Many buyers resist restricted media

Contrary to MPAA and RIAA, artists' interests are often not protected

Free media is easily available from P2P sources

Lack of portability

I think these issues are sufficient to render DRM a fairly dubious proposition. However, the real coffin nail is weaknesses in the encryption methods upon which DRM depends. Last week, the encryption scheme employed by Microsoft Windows Media Player was cracked by the renowned DVD Jon.

This event follows similar compromises of DVD encryption, Apple QuickTime and iTunes, and several similar schemes. This is undoubtedly not the last time a DRM will be broken. As long as there are locks, there will be people who pick them. Rather than trying to protect content from people who buy it, media companies would be wise to empower the consumer to enjoy their content in whatever form they choose.

DRM Media Player

Yet Another Christian Whacko

2005-09-03T23:30:00.000-04:00

Leave it to fundamentalist Christians to find something positive about Hurricane Katrina. Reverend Bill Shanks, pastor of New Covenant Fellowship in New Orleans, claims that the storm was sent by God to wipe out sin.

"New Orleans now is abortion free. New Orleans now is Mardi Gras free. New Orleans now is free of Southern Decadence and the sodomites, the witchcraft workers, false religion -- it's free of all of those things now," Shanks says. "God simply, I believe, in His mercy purged all of that stuff out of there -- and now we're going to start over again."

This insane rant reminds me of Jerry Falwell blaming gays for the 9/11 attack. Their God certainly deals out mercy indiscriminately.

So, where is Reverend Shanks now? One would expect he must be busy ministering to the children of Jesus who are suffering in his home town. Well, he's not. Shanks bailed out before the storm. He's safe, dry, and available for interviews.

This is the kind of guy who gives fools a bad name.

Christian Insanity Shanks Katrina

Advertising Rules

2005-09-03T21:30:00.000-04:00

A friend recently directed my attention to a BBC News article concerning a new book by Michael Buerk. The book discusses the ridiculous stereotypes and scenarios that seem to dominate advertising campaigns on both sides of the Atlantic.

Regular readers, including my correspondent, know well my love of lists. To my delight, Mr. Buerk presents his stereotypes in list form. Here are three of my favorites:

Men are obsessed with sex but will forego sex in order to watch football or drink beer.

Hot beverages have miraculous rejuvenating effects.

Children know more than adults.

Not being one to leave well enough alone, I find it necessary to expand the list based upon my own observations about goofy advertising myths:

Women care deeply about which brand of beer a man drinks

Fat people don't take cruises

Fast food is fun

Older people are uncool, clueless, or worse yet, irrelevant

Consuming sports drinks turns you into an athlete

Hair restoration products improve your love life

SUVs are driven only in scenic national parks

Beauty products reverse aging

Weight loss products also enhance your wardrobe

No one ever gets intoxicated

Advertising Humor

Catsup Crapper

2005-09-01T23:26:00.000-04:00

MIT still turns out some impressive engineering.
Crapper Engineering Silly

The Dark Ages Come to Louisiana

2005-09-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

There's little I can offer regarding Hurricane Katrina that hasn't already been said by more eloquent commentators. Nevertheless, I find the topic unavoidable.

The stories and pictures from New Orleans are disturbing to the extreme. I hurt when I hear so many tales of suffering and misery. The worst part is that we have yet to see the worst part.

I am particularly unnerved by the revelation of naked human nature. I want to believe that our species is, or at least can be, brave and noble. Unfortunately, it seems when civil society breaks down, it is too often quickly replaced by a primitive pack mentality. It's hard to escape the conclusion that but for a thin veneer of social order we could all face this "Lord of the Flies" nightmare.

Could it be that the greatest horror lives within each of us? I certainly hope not.

Katrina Human Nature Society

Missing Man Formation

2005-08-30T22:00:00.000-04:00

K and I are married! The ceremony was a positive expression of our mutual love. We were delighted to be able to share the occasion with many beloved friends and family members.

Even so, there was a shadow over the proceedings. In an act of astounding selfishness, K's ex prevented the girls from participating. K wanted them to be her bridesmaids. They had been thrilled by this assignment. Even as we celebrated, the kids were never far from our minds.

K broke with tradition and perhaps started a new one by inviting all of the females in attendance to act as her bridesmaids. There must have been thirty women and girls who processed in before her. It was a terrific show of solidarity. Better still, this powerful gesture granted K the strength to go on.

During the actual ceremony, K had no bridesmaids beside her. The sight reminded me of the flyer's "missing man" salute to a lost comrade.

We struggle with the continuing havoc the girls' father creates, but K and I are committed to build a better life for those kids. In the end, I am confident that we will find justice, if not outright victory.

Marriage

My Next Toy

2005-08-27T23:00:00.000-04:00

Here's a new gizmo that debuts at the top of my wish list. Yes, I know I already have so much stuff on my belt that I struggle to keep my pants up. But this is so cool!

Just think about all that Sirius satellite content with podcasting and mp3 support, all in an iPod sized package. The device won't be generally available until October, but we should start seeing real reviews soon. I might not be the first on my block, but I probably won't be far behind.

Isn't technology wonderful?

iPod Sirius Satellite

A Stepfather's Love

2005-08-26T17:00:00.000-04:00

This post may not make sense to readers unfamiliar with our situation. I ask your patience and understanding. We'll soon be back to your regularly scheduled blogging

K and I are to be married in two days. It's a good thing (and I'm told, an event that is long overdue). Our celebration of love and commitment, however, is tempered by sadness. Due to the shortness of notice, my elderly father will be unable to travel here from Florida. K's father is in the hospital and probably won't be there either. These absences are unfortunate, but unavoidable.

The real tragedy is that K's daughters' father has decided to forbid them from attending their mother's wedding. As far as I can determine, his sole motivation is blind malice. This move, while technically legal, is morally unconscionable. It breaks my heart that he would hurt those kids in hopes of gaining some perverse revenge upon their mother.

The girls had so looked forward to participating in the wedding. When I proposed, they were positively giddy. We involved them in the proposal and many of the preparations. They selected beautiful dresses and fancy new hairstyles. It was to be their big day too.

I couldn't love these girls any more if they were my own children. I am so proud of them. They are smart, clever, healthy, and strong. Like their mother, they are survivors. They will weather this storm, as will we all.

I really hope the kids can hang on a little longer. Better times lie ahead. This war is not their fault, but it is about them. K and I seek to make their lives richer, more stable, and more secure. They shouldn't have to live with abuse. We recognize this and we seek to fix it.

I wish I could hug them now. They deserve so much better.

Pat Robertson: God's Capo

2005-08-23T23:00:00.000-04:00

Christian Coalition leader Pat Robertson called upon US covert agents to assassinate Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Robertson said "We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability..." He claims "it's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."

Move over, Tony Soprano. There's a new capo in town. Pat's had it with that mamby-pamby love your neighbor pablum. Ditto the sixth commandment. God's number one underboss is giving the orders and a few guys could get clipped. Be careful all you communists and sodomites, or you might just be invited to assist with a new freeway project.

You gotta understand. It's nothing personal. It's just business...
Robertson Chavez Assassination

Roger McGuinn: Folk Tradition versus Record Labels

2005-08-21T11:30:00.000-04:00

I recently found this excellent interview with Roger McGuinn. McGuinn was the driving force behind the Byrds during the 1960s. The signature sound of his jangling 12-string guitar has influenced many popular artists including Tom Petty, Nirvana, REM, and Dire Straits.

He is also a strong advocate of preserving traditional folk music as a storytelling medium. He explains in this interview how record companies are interested only in musical projects that appeal to a broad audience and generate big revenues. The entire folk genre is consequently in peril. McGuinn has responded to this challenge by creating a Web site named FolkDen. On the site, he has recordings and lyrics for hundreds of songs.

Very cool.

McGuinn Folk

Daily WTF

2005-08-20T19:01:00.000-04:00

If you have an interest in both programming and humor, I recommend The Daily WTF. They collect and display incredibly idiotic coding examples. The code is generally superfluous, redundant, inefficient, meaningless, brainless, bloated, or botched (and often several at once!).

As Leonard Pinth-Garnell would say "Ah, putrid!"
WTF Bad Code

Another Toy

2005-08-20T17:30:00.000-04:00

I added a new link to the bar at your right. It shows the location of recent visitors to this site. I learned about this service from Captain Randy.

It's interesting to note that the location displayed is that of the Internet service provider who owns the IP address assigned to the visitor's system, not the actual visitor's location. Even so, it's a very cool application of Google Maps.

The Big Why

2005-08-20T15:00:00.000-04:00

I concluded my previous post with the question, "Why does evil exist?" That's a tough one. I am neither a philosopher nor a theologian, so I have no simple answers. However, I am a fool and therefore entitled to speculate.

I think there are valuable insights to be gained by pondering this issue.

I begin by rejecting religious explanations. I do so for four reasons:

The influence of an unseen "devil" tends to excuse people from responsibility for their actions.

This is basically folklore that can neither be proved nor disproved through empirical methods.

I comprehend the concept of a deity who requires faith as a prerequisite for intervention. But why would such a religion want to require belief in a counterbalancing evil whose intervention we surely would want to avoid?

It's just too tidy for my taste. I'm inclined to think that people who apply the same answer to many questions are probably often wrong.

I also dismiss circular arguments such as "evil exists because it must" or "evil must exist because good exists." These approaches reveal nothing about the nature or origin of evil.

So what, then, is the answer? I theorize that there is not a single explanation but many. As evil presents itself in many forms, I suspect it arises from multiple causes.

Let's consider several:

Biology - Some people, for whatever reason, seem to lack a moral compass. This trait is sometimes apparent even in small children. Call them sociopathic or merely habitually thoughtless, these individuals appear to be unable to recognize or respect the feelings or rights of others.

Socialization - Dysfunctional families tend to raise dysfunctional kids, who in turn too often start their own dysfunctional families. Adults follow patterns established much earlier in life. I don't think you can "teach" someone to be evil, but it is certainly possible to create an environment where they are more apt to develop in that way.

Hardship - Difficult times inspire a few people to greatness. Yet others respond to misfortune with bitterness and withdrawal. The latter group is responsible for spreading a great deal of pain and misery.

Injustice - If someone feels that the game of life is rigged against them, they are likely to want to either cheat or drop out. In either case, the result is a person who longer recognizes the boundaries of civilized society.

Mental Illness - Conditions such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder cause people to misperceive and misinterpret the world around them. Many (and I would argue most) truly horrendous acts are committed by criminals who are so impaired.

I believe these factors can compound when several are present yielding more virulent forms of evil.

The five factors listed here are certainly not exhaustive, but they represent a good start toward recognizing the underlying causes. They allow us to take a very abstract concept like evil and bring it down to a more concrete level. Exorcists notwithstanding, we can't easily combat evil. We can however, directly address most of the causes.

I propose that our world could be greatly improved by simply improving the lives of children, the poor, the sick, and the oppressed. Despite rejecting theological arguments at the outset, I find myself delivering a conclusion that could have been drawn directly from the doctrine of almost any major religion. Jesus repeatedly made this very point, both in words and in actions.

I guess the bottom line is regardless of whether you choose to believe in God or religion, the basic message of caring for the weak can be a powerful force for good.
Evil God Philosophy

Confronting Evil

2005-08-19T23:00:00.000-04:00

Recent events have caused me to ponder the nature of evil. We use the word freely, but seldom explain precisely what we mean. It seems to me that evil has three dimensions - Malevolence, Cunning, and Chaos. Quite naturally, different manifestations combine these three elements in varying proportions.

Malevolence is the desire to cause harm. Cunning is the ability to plan and execute deliberate acts. Chaos is the inclination to spread disorder.

The following matrix describes how the three dimensions interact:

Every Fool's Taxonomy of Evil				Chaos
				High	Low
Cunning	High	Malevolence	High	Terrorist	Despot
			Low	Anarchist	Con Artist
	Low	Malevolence	High	Brawler	Bully
			Low	Agitator	Parasite

These categories provide us with a means to assess individual cases, and that may well have value. Yet this analysis ignores the most vexing question - Why? The answer holds the key to improving our world.

May you, dear reader, be afflicted by none of these types.
Evil

Sanity Outbreak

2005-08-15T23:00:00.000-04:00

The Transportation Security Administration is considering making the airport screening process less miserable for travelers.

Will wonders never cease? Someone actually figured out that hassling all those little old ladies didn't keep us any safer.

TSA Air Travel

We're Number 78!

2005-08-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

A recent study found Columbus, Ohio to be the 78th most liberal among 237 cities surveyed.

The good news is that we placed among the top third. That sounds pretty decent, right?

The bad news is that we finished last among the Ohio cities included in the analysis. I would expect to see Cleveland (#11) well ahead of us. Likewise, Dayton (#42), Akron (#48), and Toledo (#53). Residents of these economically depressed rust belt communities have clear motivations for disliking the current regime and all things Republican.

But how did we manage to finish lower than racially-insensitive, Mapplethorpe-banning Cincinnati (#56)? Ouch!

Oh well, at least we don't live in Provo, Utah. They finished dead last (or first in intolerance, if we choose to accentuate the positive). Those folks must serve Kool-Aid with every meal.

Interestingly, California appears to lead the nation in division. That state has four of the top ten cities, yet six of the bottom twenty. It's little wonder they managed to elect governors as different as Ronald Reagan, Jerry Brown, and Arnold Schwartznegger.

I suppose 78th place isn't so horrible. I won't be packing my stuff just yet. Maybe this showing simply means our cowtown roots are showing.
Columbus Liberal

100 Plagues The World Would Be Better Without

2005-08-13T22:30:00.000-04:00

Hunger and starvation

Economic exploitation

Racism

Capital punishment

AIDS and HIV

Illiteracy

Bribery, graft, and political contributions

Xenophobia

Unrestrained capitalism

High medical costs

Crusading moralists

Tobacco

Greed

Age discrimination

Toxic chemical dumps

Elitism

Multinational oil companies

High cost prescription medicines

Depletion of ground water

Predatory corporate mergers and acquisitions

Deforestation

High fat fast food

Low minimum wage

Murder

Deceptive advertising

Alcoholism

Factory farms

Weight loss products

Bullying

Old boy network

Homelessness

Greenhouse gases and global warming

Kidnapping

Regressive taxation

Outsourcing

Political prisoners

Check cashing storefronts

Restriction of reproductive choices

Reductions in basic scientific research

Heart disease

Infringement of civil liberties

Strip mining

Cuts in school funding

Rape

Propaganda

Land mines

Water pollution

Price gouging

Spam

Fur garments

Digital rights management

Data aggregators

Pension plundering

Spyware

Food additives

Get rich quick schemes

Deceptive auto salespeople

Child molesting

Cultural arrogance

Nuclear power plants

Cancer

Terrorism

Whaling

Natural disasters

Sweatshops

Domestic infiltration and surveillance

Species extinction

Unemployment

Computer viruses

Animal cruelty

Human rights abuses

Drug addiction

Proselytizing

Poison gas and biological weapons

Domestic violence

Extortion

Child abuse

Unilateralism

Bogus investments

Theft

Product liability award caps

Nuclear weapons

Inflation

Steroids in sports

Phishing

Cuts in funding for the arts

Telemarketers and direct mailers

Misuse of pesticides

Identity theft

Mugging

Air pollution

Wiretapping

Media monopolies

Acid rain

Censorship

Handguns

High energy prices

Disclosures of private data

Torture

How many of these ills do you think the Bush administration is actively working to reduce or eliminate? How many are they exacerbating?
Plagues Ills Bad

Falling Earnings at Clear Channel

2005-08-09T22:25:00.000-04:00

Media monopoly Clear Channel Communications reported a thirteen percent drop in earnings for the second quarter. The company attributes this decline to a strategic repackaging of their radio advertising. They have begun selling a larger number of shorter duration advertisements.

Nowhere in the announcement is there any suggestion that US advertisers may be growing weary of underwriting Clear Channel's relentless right wing content. This blindly partisan message is increasingly at odds with the broad center of the political spectrum.

Republicans love to expound upon the virtues of free markets. The commercial radio market is anything but free. Nevertheless, it is sending a message. Is anyone at Clear Channel listening?
Clear Channel Radio

In Defense of Geeks

2005-08-07T23:30:00.000-04:00

Here is one woman's perspective on why geeks make great partners. Never having dated a real geek myself, I can't vouch for the accuracy of her argument, but I sure want it to be true.

Geek Dating

Introducing Logogle

2005-08-05T23:00:00.000-04:00

Here's a silly distraction. Next on the list of goofy Google knock-offs is Logogle. As you see, this program will generate a working variant of the familiar Google interface featuring a custom logo done up in Google style.

Once you've bookmarked a custom Logogle page for use as your standard search, feel free to tell your less savvy friends and coworkers about the top secret programming project you've been working on for months.
Silly Logogle Google

Where Were You Folks Last Year?

2005-08-05T18:00:00.000-04:00

Have you seen President Bush's latest poll numbers? According to the Associated Press:

Only 38% of respondents approve of Bush's handling of Iraq

55% of respondents disapprove of his performance overall

50% of respondents think the president is not honest

56% of respondents consider him to be arrogant

If there was any mandate from the stolen election of 2004, it's rapidly slipping away. Without public support, even a Republican Congress won't follow George Bush Junior very far.

This lame duck administration has less than three and a half years left and their ability to further damage our nation is declining with each passing day.

Bush Opinion Poll President

Presidential Pseudo-Science

2005-08-04T22:30:00.000-04:00

Our president made another scientific pronouncement the other day. He believes in something called intelligent design. Worse yet, he thinks this fable should be taught to school children in lieu of real science.

The concept of intelligent design (and its less politically correct predecessor, creation science) is that the universe in general, and life on Earth specifically, are too complex to have evolved without the active intervention of some external force. If this sounds rather similar to the argument that a 17th century Roman Catholic Pope used to persecute Galileo, it is.

The religious right and their leader in the White House seek to have conservative Christian teachings incorporated into the public school curriculum. They want to spread their God as widely as possible. Converting the heathens might be a part of their beliefs, but the public schools and the children within must remain off-limits to this kind of proselytizing. Otherwise, we are little better than the Taliban.

As for me, I believe politicians would do well to leave science to those who comprehend what science is (and equally important, what it is not).

Creation Science Intelligent Design Pseudo-Science

Spam Words

2005-08-04T19:00:00.000-04:00

The good folks at ActivSoftware have published a list of the fifty words most likely to appear in spam, but not in legitimate mail. They employ a Bayesian filter to identify these indicators of unsolicited messages. The list was developed by comparing the distribution of words within many thousands of known spam and legitimate messages.

Some of the words are obvious. Examples include homeowner (#1), preapproved, pill, and bankruptcy.

Other words on the list are totally unexpected, at least to me. This group includes fifteen, lion, and bronx. I have no idea why these scored so high.

A third group consists of words I expected to see, but didn't. What about Viagra, mortgage, Nigeria, savings, or bargain? I can only guess that these words also occur regularly in non-spam messages too.

The beauty of the Bayesian model is that we don't have to understand the significance of individual words on the list, so long as the process yields the desired results.

For an excellent discussion of spam filtering and Bayesian filtering, see chapter 8 in the aforementioned Paul Graham's book Hackers and Painters.
Spam Bayesian Filtering

Open Source Inspiration for Business

2005-08-03T22:00:00.000-04:00

Paul Graham gave a talk last night at the O'Reilly Open Source Conference. The title is "What Business Can Learn from Open Source." He published a companion essay.

I find Graham to be one of the most interesting voices of our era. He has the rare ability to anticipate coming waves before they crest. I don't agree with everything he says by any means (some of his economic analyses are particularly questionable), but Graham never fails to force me to re-evaluate my own views. In a world of ping pong memes, this is a valuable person.

Little of what Graham shares in this essay is truly revolutionary. In fact, as I read his observations, most seem fairly obvious. The author's unique gift is his ability to assemble old concepts in ways that make them refreshingly new.

Graham offers three big themes:

People work harder on projects they like

Conventional offices are very unproductive

The best ideas often originate in bottom up fashion

He uses these premises as a springboard for a discussion of the differences between paying an employee versus investing in a partner. I suspect his observations are probably on target, but as Graham tells us, it's not easy to translate them into reality in today's world:

When I say business can learn from open source, I don't mean any specific business can. I mean business can learn about new conditions the same way a gene pool does. I'm not claiming companies can get smarter, just that dumb ones will die.

I want to believe that organizations, as organic entities, can indeed evolve and get smarter. As a manager, I seek to enable innovation, even within the confines of stifling convention. I think there is more that can be done. It's the "what" and the "how" we still need to navigate.

As I said, Paul Graham always manages to make me think. For that service, I am grateful.

As a side note, Graham begins with a great quote that is sure to delight any open source proponent:

"[A]nyone proposing to run Windows on servers should be prepared to explain what they know about servers that Google, Yahoo, and Amazon don't.

One day soon, I'll have to send that little gem to my bosses.
Paul Graham Open Source Business

Bullet 1Foot 0

2005-08-02T22:00:00.000-04:00

Cowboy diplomat John Bolton started work today at the United Nations. As distasteful as it may seem, this clumsy boor is now representing our country in the world forum.

Even the Republican Senate couldn't stomach Bolton's ignorant pronouncements and dastardly deeds. So, naturally, George Bush Junior bypassed them by making a recess appointment.

Perhaps, in a weird way, Bolton is ideally suited to speak for the arrogant, ham-handed Bush foreign policy. The divisive appointment process was like the whole miserable administration in microcosm. Even if Bolton goes to New York and shoots off his mouth, he'll have to go a long way to offend as many people as his boss does. Regardless of where he aims, Bolton is likely to shoot his own foot instead. He is truly the personification of a blunder.

The only positive news is that this debacle brings the Republican majority one step closer to Boot Hill.

Bolton Politics United Nations

Annoying Web Site Characteristics

2005-08-01T20:00:00.000-04:00

Real Tech News recently posted a survey concerning annoying Web site characteristics. They listed 15 familiar problems such as pop-up ads, mandatory registration, and plug-in requirements. Most of the items are indeed annoying. However, I believe they omitted these ten additional irritations:

Windows without menus or controls
Use of non-standard TCP ports
Tracking cookies
Lack of cross-browser compatibility
Obscuring link destinations in status bar
Excessive use of child windows
Unsolicited loading of spyware
Forms cleared after a validation error
"Pop under" windows
Bad SSL certificates

As I prepared this list, it occurred to me that the Web is full of stuff that bugs me. Just like life in general...
Web Annoyances Web Pages Web

You Too Can Be A Successful IT Consultant

2005-07-30T22:00:00.000-04:00

It's true. Abandon your moral compass (if you don't have one, that's better still) and join the lucrative world of IT consulting.

There are really only ten things you need to know:

Concealment - Information is power, right? It's also the consultant’s best friend, especially when you alone hold it. Knowledge, like gold, is more valuable when in short supply. Always schedule the customary knowledge transfer activities at the very end of any project. This ensures they won’t happen.

Obfuscation - To be clear is to be understood. For a consultant, to be understood is to be unmasked. In a consulting relationship, as in romance, should always remain some secrets. This can be accomplished through the judicious use of doubletalk. The most accomplished consultants freely mix jargon, altered parts of speech, and manufactured words. For example, “Let’s migrate alignment by componentizing the contingencification of schedulized variancing.”

Nurture Division - If the client staff interacts too much, they might figure out that you've told them different stories. Worse yet, they might discover that you're not really doing much for any of them. Obviously, we can't allow this to happen. The best method for squelching open communication is to exploit pre-existing divisions. For example, the data base administrators don't trust the application developers (believe me, they don't). We can employ this rift to our advantage by informing the DBAs that the developers are evaluating open source data base management systems for use in their next big project. To heighten the effect, encourage the developers to consider open source data base solutions. Within hours, you've created an effective communications barrier that should last for months.

Suck Up - Every successful consultant knows which side of the bread has the butter. At the very start of any engagement, you need to find a ~~pigeon~~ patron. Look for an executive who is long on signing authority, but short on common sense (picture the pointy-haired boss from Dilbert). The ideal patron is someone who considers himself or herself much too busy to be bothered with details. Once identified, the favor of the patron can earned through feigned common interests and shameful flattery. Should these techniques fail, don’t forget good old fashioned bribery. As long as your loyal patron is at the wheel, it doesn't much matter what happens below deck.

Unleash Project Reports - The most amazing aspect of consulting is that, if handled correctly, projects don’t actually have to be completed. As long as blame is assigned elsewhere, the consultant is free to skate away with their money. Project reports are the key. At the onset of a new project, the consultant must issue reams of project schedules, analyses of contingencies, resource sourcing models, budget projections, Gantt charts, and task summaries. Even without the deforestation considerations, no sane person will want to read this voluminous mess. If anyone did, they might eventually discover wildly optimistic assumptions and strangely improbable scenarios. Most people, though, would much rather approve the plan than read it. Thus the schedule becomes the officially mandated version of reality. From this point forward, the consultant need only track schedule variances attributable to client personnel. When the deadline arrives and the work is unfinished, you can trot out your updated plan and demonstrate how the scapegoats are completely at fault. While the poor scapegoats are explaining, you can prepare the proposal for the follow-up engagement to correct all their mistakes.

Lay Down Roots - Indispensability is consultant nirvana. If you can convince the client that they cannot survive without your skills, you're on easy street. The best way to achieve this dependency is to insert yourself into the middle of one or more critical processes. It's wonderful to feel wanted, especially at these rates.

Take Out Experts - The biggest threat to a consultant (or any charlatan) is the possibility of being revealed. This danger typically takes the form of client staff who have real expertise in subjects where you claim to be world renowned. If these employees are permitted to share their concerns with management, they could disrupt the consultant’s cash flow or otherwise make life unpleasant. Consequently, they must be neutralized. Local experts can be discredited through an ongoing disinformation campaign that begins prior to project initiation. The sponsor and other top level executives must be convinced that their employees are (a) uncooperative, (b) unrealistic, (c) unfamiliar with modern management practices, (d) at odds with corporate priorities, (e) rogue operators, (f) not committed to the project, or (g) too concerned with insignificant details. Such explanations are generally well received over a complimentary round of golf or gourmet dinner.

Arrogance - It's all about attitude. If you act like the most clever, valuable person to have ever entered the building, half the people will believe you. Most of the rest can swayed through subtle intimidation. If you can't gain respect, try for fear.

Never Be Wrong - There are two kinds of people you will meet - those who agree with you and those who are wrong. If you never admit to a mistake, it's effectively the same as never having made one.

Tell Big Lies - Sooner or later, you will encounter a dumb mutt like Toto who feels compelled to pull back that curtain. You might as well plan for the event, because it will happen eventually. In these circumstances, a small lie might suffice, but avoid the temptation. For example, if you claim your grandmother just died, you must thereafter remember not to speak of her in the present tense. Big lies work better because fewer lies are required and they are much easier to remember, if only for their sheer outrageousness. Rather than invoking the deceased relative, consider informing your patron that you were operating behind the scenes to prevent the company’s work from being outsourced to Eskimos.

That's all there is to it. You don't have to be honorable. You don't have to work very hard. You don't have to deliver. You don't even need to learn much about information technology. What could be easier?
Consultant Consulting Satire

Silly Destinations

2005-07-29T22:00:00.000-04:00

I've heard it said that people learn a lot more from failure than they do from success. If that's true, here are three fun sites that ought to make us all geniuses.

Engrish - Japanese do things with (and to) the language that no native English speaker would ever consider.

This is Broken - A Web site dedicated to corporate mistakes, foul-ups, and general purpose idiocy.

Funny Signs - The name says it all.

Silly

Happy Sysadmin Appreciation Day!

2005-07-29T21:00:00.000-04:00

Some of my favorite people are system administrators and today is their day.

The next time you see that friendly login prompt, thank a sysadmin!

Sysadmin System Administrator

The Sounds of Summer

2005-07-28T23:30:00.000-04:00

Now we've reached the heart of summer, Billboard has released their list of the top ten all-time summer songs.

Their choices aren't bad, I guess. But, as usual, I think I can do better. Let's start by breaking Billboard's nonsensical rule that the word "summer" must appear in the title. These songs still relate to summer, I promise.

So, without further babble, here's my list of the Top Ten All-Time Summer Songs:

10.   Black Magic Woman / Oye Como Va - Santana (1970)

Santana simply had to be on this list. His steamy guitar evokes hot winds with every lick. I could have chosen almost any of his hits, but this one is a personal favorite.

9.     Dancin' in the Moonlight - King Harvest (1973)

OK, Honey, I'll dance. But let's make it a slow one, and maybe just for a little while.

8.     59th Street Bridge Song - Simon and Garfunkel (1966)

Feeling groovy never felt better. It makes you want to take your shoes off and stroll through the grass.

7.     Summer - War (1976)

Those slow, relaxed rhythms just sound right. When it's so hot, no one wants to expend too much energy. Kick back and soak it in.

6.     Harlem Nocturne - The Viscounts (1960)

It's a different world when the sun slips beneath the horizon. The air is warm, but the jazz is cool. I envision a flickering neon sign in the window of a tavern on a deserted urban street.

5.     Driver's Seat - Sniff 'n' the Tears (1978)

Going for a drive has always been an important part of summer. If you can share the ride with a pretty woman named Jenny, so much the better.

4.     Summer Breeze - Seals and Crofts (1972)

There's that word again. You have to like the concept of "jasmine in my mind." The toy piano sound is a fun touch as well.

3.     Suddenly Last Summer - The Motels (1983)

It's like a misty remembrance of something that might never have happened.

2.      The Air That I Breathe - The Hollies (1974)

Forget spring. Summer is the season for lovers.

1.     Pipeline - The Chantays (1963)

My number one had to be a surfing song. I've never in my life even stood on a board, but during my childhood, this music was synonymous with summertime. This is why we waited all those cold, miserable months.

Man, I feel warm. Where's my ice water?
Summer Classic Rock Music

A Grand Lady Says Farewell

2005-07-26T19:00:00.000-04:00

I was saddened to learn that the Maisonette in Cincinnati closed for good yesterday. This perennial five star restaurant has been the site of several of my most memorable dining experiences. The food was superb and the service always impeccable. A visit to the Maisonette made any night a special occasion.

The culprit is, of course, economics. Fewer people have the money or the time to travel downtown for a first class gourmet meal, especially on a weeknight. There is talk of a possible suburban renaissance, but it can never be the same.

I lift my glass to this classy lady. Fifty six seems too young to go, but it's been a fine run.

Microsoft Longhorn becomes Vista

2005-07-25T23:30:00.000-04:00

Last week, Microsoft announced that their next client operating system will be named Windows Vista. The company hopes the new name will inspire visions of a bright future ahead. If history provides any guidance, I expect just the opposite reaction.

Until now, this release was known as Longhorn, its project name. Problems and delays in development prompted pundits to suggest that Microsoft found itself on the horns of dilemma. When Microsoft announced that features would be stripped out in order to meet an already postponed delivery date, this release was dubbed "Shorthorn." Naturally, the predictable bull and steer analogies made the rounds as well.

So now we have Vista. Presumably, a vista is a view of something that is far away. That sounds right. My favorite moniker variation is "Viruses, Infections, Spyware, Trojans, and Adware." The joke would be even funnier were it not so likely to be dead on.

You may recall that there has been a government-supported volunteer program by the same name since the mid-sixties. Now under the Americorps umbrella, this Vista is dedicated to poverty relief. I don't suppose anyone will mistake that effort for any Microsoft product.

More problematic are reports that another company already owns the name. Microsoft certainly has the money to buy nearly anything, but a name this silly can be only worth so much.

I predict, in the end, Microsoft may well settle for a designation that's totally safe. Perhaps something like letters or numbers?

Catching Up

2005-07-24T23:00:00.000-04:00

It seems as though I've been gone forever. So much has happened.

We traveled to Eastern Pennsylvania last week to visit K's grandmother on the occasion of her 87th birthday.

We took the kids along, and for them it was a vacation.

We stayed in an overpriced motel with a view of a strip mine and water treatment plant (gotta love the East Coast).

Our destination is home to a motorcycle plant and is also the world HQ for really ugly tattoos.

On Thursday, we took Grandma to her favorite enormous Amish smorgasbord.

Grandma is doing quite well for 87. She's still plenty feisty.

On Friday, we visited a large port city in Maryland. The girls refer to it as the city-that-must-not-be-named. We toured the National Aquarium.

Speaking of which, I finished the latest Harry Potter book. Now the kids are plowing through it.

We came home via an alternate route. It was easy, fast, and beautiful.

Alas, we didn't make it to the Columbus Jazz and Ribs Fest. However, K did barbeque some chicken out on the patio this evening.

For the moment, anyway, the air conditioning is working.

Now it's back to work...

We Shall See...

2005-07-18T18:48:00.000-04:00

After seven weeks of service calls,

          seven weeks of sleepless nights,

          seven weeks of unfulfilled promises,

          seven weeks of lost opportunities,

          seven weeks of excuses,

I found this note on the kitchen counter, scratched on a paper towel.

It's cool, but for how long I wonder...

Wild About Harry

2005-07-16T17:30:00.000-04:00

Today is the day awaited by kids (and adults) all over the world. In case you've been living in a cave or your mind has been tuned to a really different channel, the sixth Harry Potter book went on sale this morning.

We bought ours at Media Play with a nice discount. We didn't pre-order, sign up in advance, or anything like that. As with the previous book, we simply walked in the store and picked one up. ...and no, we weren't there at midnight.

The kids are predictably excited about starting a new magical adventure. Although their reading skills are excellent, they've asked me to recite the book aloud. I am pleased to accommodate this request, though some of Ms. Rowling's sentences last far longer than my breath. My ongoing need for oxygen often compels me to break in unnatural places.

In preparation for my task, I have begun reading the new book. So far, it has proven to be intriguing and thought-provoking.

I am now prepared to tell you how you can learn the secret identity of the half-blood prince mentioned in the title. Simply place your cursor over the red 'X' below (and prepare to be enlightened).

Wasn't that simple?

What's That Smell?

2005-07-15T23:00:00.000-04:00

According to Slashdot, Ed Wood's classic celluloid stinkeroo, Plan 9 From Outer Space, is now in the public domain.

Some observers consider P9FOS to be the worst film ever made. It might be, but I expect there is plenty of strong competition from more recent features.

In any case, the movie is chock full of bloopers, inconsistencies, and plot elements that are simply baffling (it begins with otherworldly grave robbers and meanders on from there). However, it is the dialog that distinguishes this movie from those that are merely rotten.

Eros, the preachy alien, has several truly marvelous lines:

     "Because all you of Earth are idiots!"

     "It's because of men like you that all must be destroyed."

     "You see? You see? Your stupid minds. Stupid! Stupid!"

This is the kind of movie that lots of people would like to own, but few want to admit they paid for. That's the beauty of public domain. Now viewers from every culture and socioeconomic stratum can learn the true meaning of the word "putrid." For that, we can all be grateful.

What The Puck?

2005-07-13T23:00:00.000-04:00

After a year of haggling and a season gone forever, hockey players and team owners are apparently now ready to make nice and hit the ice. The long lock-out, it seems, is over.

I say "not so fast."

Were both sides not so ceaselessly greedy, the fans would not have lost an entire season. Now that they've settled their differences, will hockey enthusiasts rush back, grateful that our heros have finally decided to play? I don't believe most of us are that loyal or that stupid.

The hockey players and owners have collectively mistreated their paying customers. Like any enlightened customer, we retain the right to vote with our feet and with our wallets. I will attend no hockey games this season. Nor will I buy anything related to the NHL. If money is all that matters to these people, then that's where we must hit them. The message the hockey establishment (and all professional sports) needs to hear is that without fans, they have no game. Without the game, they have no dollars. Ignore us at your own peril.

An Unfair Comparison?

2005-07-12T23:30:00.000-04:00

Republican commentators are losing their collective minds because Hillary Clinton had the audacity to compare our glorious president to Alfred E. Newman.* In one sense, they're right about the comparison being unfair and cruel. After all, Alfie never started a war, wrecked an economy, or stole an election.

*The fool made this observation in October, 2004!

Update: A wise owl pointed out that the folks at The Nation had the idea long before either Senator Clinton or the fool.

Public Broadcasting: The Second Front

2005-07-10T18:25:00.000-04:00

I recently discussed attempts in Congress to strangle public broadcasting. This battle continues.

Concurrently, arch-conservatives strive to destroy public broadcasting from within. In the eye of the storm is extremist CPB chairman Kenneth Tomlinson. He seems to want PBS to be fair and balanced, just like Fox News.

Along these lines, Tomlinson commissioned a secret study of the network's objectivity. The results were never released. Now we know why.

This tale is salve for the progressive soul. Our worst nightmare is an ultraconservative who is also cunning and efficient. Fortunately, there doesn't seem to be much danger of that in this instance.

Beyond Paranoia

2005-07-09T23:00:00.000-04:00

If this story doesn't creep you out, you must not have read it.

UnWired

2005-07-09T21:30:00.000-04:00

I subscribed to Wired magazine from many years until I reached a point where I simply no longer had time to read it. I like many of their articles (though their bizarre fonts and shocking color schemes sometimes make my head hurt). Wired claims, above all, to be in touch with tomorrow's trends. Whether they are, or ever were, ahead of the proverbial curve is open to debate. However, they unquestionably offer up unconventional wisdom. From the perspective of a problem solver, any novel approach has intrinsic value, even if it turns out to be wrong.

I just removed this site's link to Wired. I am thoroughly disgusted with their predatory business practices. I want nothing more to do with them.

When will people learn?

A Bad Day at Burger Chef

2005-07-09T17:30:00.000-04:00

Back in the summer of 1975, I drove a pale blue 1962 Ford Galaxie. The car was an automatic with two forward speeds, high and low. It was constructed almost entirely of steel. The dashboard was steel. So was the steering wheel. The hood was so solid that you could stand on it without fear of damage. There were no seatbelts. I knew from the first time I got in that any serious crash would be my last.

Despite this sturdy composition, this car had accumulated lots of dents and miscellaneous bruises. It had lived a long and productive life. The odometer read 70,000 miles, but we figured it must have rolled over at least once.

We tested this car as only teenage boys can. I determined on a country road that it can indeed reach 100 miles per hour. My brother Slim and I discovered that it was possible to get all four wheels off the pavement by approaching an elevated railroad crossing at a high rate of speed. Unfortunately, we learned that this technique is also a fine way to lose your gas tank.

The best story associated with this vehicle, however, occurred in the parking lot of a Burger Chef restaurant. Burger Chef was, for many years, a competitor to McDonalds and Burger King (Wendy's came later). I always thought their food was little tastier than the other fast food chains, but that didn't keep them from going belly up in the eighties.

This particular restaurant was located in a small town about 30 miles from home. My brother Slim and I were there for a purpose that is lost in the mists of time. Perhaps we just wanted to get away. In any case, we used the drive-through in search of a quick meal. We ordered, paid for, and received the customary bag of food. When we opened the bag, we were thoroughly dismayed with the contents. They had forgotten one sandwich entirely and the other was totally wrong. We could have waited in line at the drive-through again. We could have marched into the restaurant and demanded the food for which we paid. We did neither, perhaps for fear the employees would spit upon or otherwise befoul our food for having the nerve to complain.

I was determined to handle this little problem myself. I decided that the Galaxie wouldn't look any worse sporting one more dent. I aimed my steel missile at a lonely trash receptacle sitting in the back of the parking lot. I was probably traveling between twenty and thirty miles per hour when my front bumper launched it into the air. I recall being mildly surprised at both the distance I achieved and the amount of noise it made upon impact. Needless to say, we didn't stay around to see what happened next. We left the parking lot, hit the highway, and didn't stop until we were safely back at home. Happily, I never heard anything more about the incident.

So I guess justice was served. ...on a bun, that is.

Visiting Royalty

2005-07-09T15:00:00.000-04:00

We took the kids to Paramount's Kings Island this week. It was a successful venture overall, though we experienced a few bumps beyond those associated with the rides.

We met some friends at the park. Their son is the same age as our older girl. These two share a number of interests, many of which seem to involve technology. They also have a daughter who is close in age (and temperament) to our Drama Queen. Our friends also have a little girl who is four (and going on fourteen).

The three tiers of kids created a few logistical challenges, but the ratio of four adults to five children was ideal. We split up in a variety of combinations such that everyone had the opportunity to enjoy their favorite amusement park activities.

It was an uncomfortably warm day (mid-80s), though not nearly as steamy as it could have been. As long as one stayed out of the abundant sunshine, the weather was tolerable.

What was less tolerable was the population of visitors. When we scheduled this trip, we didn't realize that our arrival corresponded to the start of Spirit Song, a three-day celebration of Christian fellowship and worship. Kings Island describes it as "The Midwest's largest Contemporary Christian Music Festival." K said the entire park smelled like wet hillbilly. There certainly were a large number of very sweaty believers.

The kids had a good time on the rides. Some (notably, The Italian Job) had lines longer than most kids would endure. Other marquee rides (like Top Gun and Delirium) were closed for maintenance. The older kids in varying degrees liked the Beast, the Vortex, Congo Falls, and the Racer. They didn't think much of Tomb Raider. The younger girls were fond of Viking Fury (four times), Scoobie Doo and the Haunted Castle (DQ, it turns out, is a crack shot), the Wild Thornberries River Adventure, and SpongeBob SquarePants in 3-D.

During the early evening, the Christian concert began just outside the park. The music had the basic sound of alternative rock, but it seemed poorly executed and, well, uninspired. Imagine, if you will, Dave Matthews, if he couldn't sing, play, or write. It was a lot like that.

At the end of the evening, immediately before the fireworks, all of the kids rode on the carousel. For the three youngest, this was an ideal conclusion to a busy day. The two older kids sat together in the carriage, obviously enjoying each other's company. After one turn, though, they exited the carousel declaring the calliope music to be "evil" and "demonic." The rest rode a couple more times, just for fun.

As we were exiting, our friends' middle daughter was tired and crying. I believe the immediate issue had something to do with a funnel cake. It was wonderful to see DQ put her arm around the shoulder of her unhappy pal and comfort her. I couldn't help but think that DQ is going to be a great mom someday. On the way out, the older pair was still debating the technical merits of alternative Web browsers. I have to imagine this discussion will continue somewhere in cyberspace.

It was a good outing. The tag-team approach worked well. I think the kids liked spending the day with their friends (and not having to ride with their siblings). Next time, I will check the park schedule more carefully so as to steer clear of future redneck gatherings.

We stayed in Cincinnati overnight. In the morning, we visited the Krohn Conservatory in Eden Park. The kids particularly liked the rain forest room and the orchids. Regrettably, a new lighthouse exhibition didn't open until the following day.

Next, we went to the Cincinnati Art Museum. We were impressed by their Asian art collection, the Impressionists, and the modern art (they have an Andy Warhol portrait of Pete Rose). One section of the museum is dedicated to Cincinnati artists and themes. A number of works were created at the nearby Rookwood Pottery. So impressed were we by these pieces that we decided to ascend Mt. Adams and enjoy a late lunch at the restaurant that now occupies the Rookwood Pottery building.

Tired, happy, and well fed, we headed home. I would say we jammed in about all the fun that can fit into thirty hours.

My Kind of History

2005-07-05T22:10:00.000-04:00

We will make a trip later this month to Eastern Pennsylvania. The occasion is K's grandmother's 87th birthday. While in the vicinity, we hope to visit Gettysburg. This site holds special significance for me because family lore always included tales of an ancestor who fought there with the Grand Army of the Republic.

In preparation for this historical adventure, my mother helped out with some timely research. Once a librarian, always a librarian. She not only found what she sought, but a good bit more as well. The great, great grandfather we always believed fought at Gettysburg may not have been there. We know his heavy artillery company wasn't. But we also know they frequently split up regiments and companies as needs dictated.

The real surprise came when she investigated the war career of a second ancestor. This fellow was a sergeant in the light artillery. He fought under General Grant at Shiloh and in Georgia under General Sherman. These two tough Ohioans were as responsible as anyone for saving the union. I'm proud and delighted to learn that a member of my family was right there helping to make it happen.

So I have two great, great grandfathers who served in artillery companies. Do you suppose that fact could in some way explain my fondness for explosions?

Just Speculating

2005-07-04T21:30:00.000-04:00

The US has the technology to make a crater on a comet, but we can't seem to find Salami Been Rotten after nearly four years of searching. Doesn't that seem odd?

Is it possible that this criminal is more valuable to the Bush administration on the lam than he would be if martyred or imprisoned? The president reliably falls back upon his war on terror whenever he is faced with a challenge. Without that angle, the administration would lack even an illogical justification for their increasingly unpopular Iraq war.

Hmmmmmm...

The Silence of the Fruit

2005-07-04T20:00:00.000-04:00

I can think of no more quintessentially American act than detonating a watermelon for the Fourth of July. This ritual combines respectful recognition of past wars (rockets' red glare and all that) with a midsummer celebration of a bountiful harvest. Besides, blowing up things is cool.

For the ninth consecutive year (wow, can it really be nine?), our friends organized a party to celebrate Independence Day. The highlight of the event remains the exploding fruit. This year, we dispatched four watermelons and a cantaloupe. All exhibited an impressive dispersion pattern. After the boom, there wasn't much melon to find.

Thank you, P, for again hosting this event. It's the ongoing fulfillment of many a geek dream (what if we filled one with cooked spaghetti noodles?). I have to admit, though, that some of the non-geek neophytes were every bit as enthusiastic as the hard core produce-blasters. In both cases, a fine time was enjoyed by all.

On the way home, our nine year old declared this party to be "the most fun I ever had." Despite her fondness for hyperbole, she and her sister totally loved taking part in the celebration. I feel the same way.

Tacky Tanga Tango

2005-07-02T13:30:00.000-04:00

I've seen a whole lot of this style this summer. Is there really anyone, male or female, who thinks it looks good?

Danger, Will Robinson!

2005-07-01T19:30:00.000-04:00

On the goofy old TV show, Lost in Space, immediately before something really bad happened, the robot would lose his mind in a mechanical arm waving fit. "Warning! Warning!" he bellowed. All within earshot knew trouble was afoot (though John Williams' scary music didn't hurt either).

I read a news item today that is worthy of that same response. Microsoft, we are told, is investigating the acquisition of Claria, a leader producer of spyware. Yes, you read that correctly - Microsoft wants to buy a purveyor of spyware!

In an attempt to improve their dreadful reputation, Claria changed their name a couple of years ago. They had been known as Gator. Remember them? Their little nasties have plagued millions of computers for years, clandestinely capturing personal information, shipping it back to the mother ship, and popping up all manner of unsolicited advertisements. A computer with a spyware infestation is often slow, unstable, and generally unpleasant to use. Despite Claria's protests to the contrary, no one in their right mind would knowingly choose to run this kind of program.

Claria claims to have cleaned up their act of late. This effort consists mostly of an enhanced public relations campaign and lawsuits fired at any firm that has the audacity to characterize their products as spyware. Typical of their deceptive tactics is a product called WebSecureAlert. It purports to protect users' privacy while they surf. All the while, however, the program watches every click and keystroke, collects data on the user's activities, and pops up unwanted ads. Tricking customers into allowing you to steal their personal information is simply not an honest way to make a living.

Now we hear Claria might be acquired by Microsoft. That is a truly frightening prospect. It's not hard to imagine one day soon when every single copy of Windows will contain Gator (or something even worse). Microsoft could bundle it so tightly into the operating system that anti-spyware utilities could not reliably remove it. Just think of the advertising revenues Microsoft could reap by unleashing ceaseless pop-up ads on every Windows computer. No other medium could deliver anywhere near that level of market saturation. Then there's the matter of all that personal data. It's an Orwellian bonanza.

I suppose this move would settle once and for all the question of whether Microsoft is as committed to security as they assert or just playing along to maximize their profits.

I wondered a couple of weeks ago what it would take for users to abandon Microsoft en masse. Buying Claria and incorporating their technology would do it for me. Despite having neither the patience for Linux nor the mindset for Apple, I would have to change somehow.

But there's a whole lot of arm waving between there and here.

Update (7/2): Perhaps in preparation for such a transaction, Microsoft apparently downgraded the severity assigned to Claria's products within their anti-spyware utility. The program now specifies "ignore" as the default action. Creepy, isn't it?

Kicking Their Butts

2005-06-30T22:30:00.000-04:00

Effective tomorrow, Ohio will more than double the tax it charges on retail cigarettes. The state needs money to balance its budget and this tax, fair or not, is a time-tested means to raise a lot of revenue. This change doesn't bother me in the least, and not just because someone else is helping to pay my share of the taxes.

Let's face it. Smokers are responsible for a number of serious problems. Their dangerous addiction raises our medical insurance costs. Their reeking smoke fouls the air and sickens others. Their thoughtlessly flicked butts create ugly litter everywhere. I certainly wouldn't ever wish upon anyone the horrible ailments caused by smoking. On the other hand, there is a limit to the sympathy I can muster for those who choose to pay cigarette taxes.

While enacting this higher tax rate, the legislature exhibited a rare sense of irony. The new budget also allocates $20 million from the tobacco settlement to eliminate the fee that car owners pay in some counties for mandatory auto emission tests. The result is that one form of air pollution is subsidizing the reduction of another. I guess that makes sense.

So do people have a right to smoke? Yeah, maybe, if they buy their own island and declare themselves uber-poobah. Short of that, the very act of smoking routinely interferes with the rights of everyone else. As such, society has the responsibility to regulate the practice in a public setting.

What, then, of the poor maligned Marlboro Man and his friends? Smokers have three choices. They can give it up. They can swallow hard and pay the tax. Or they can turn to the black market. Either of the first two options yields a public good. If these people won't be healthy, at least they can contribute toward paying for the harm they cause. The third option will always be around, but for most people, it is simply not worth the trouble. From this perspective, raising the cigarette tax is more than a necessary fiscal measure. It's sound public policy.

The Taste of Summer

2005-06-26T18:00:00.000-04:00

Every summer around this time, I look forward to the appearance of Rainier cherries. They are typically available for only a week or two, but I think these cherries are definitely worth the wait. K just brought home a big bag full. They are a simply wonderful snack. (Thank you, K!)

Rainier cherries often have a golden color. They are less sweet than Bing cherries and have a more subtle flavor. My mother calls them "old cherries." She remembers them growing wild near the shores of Lake Erie.

If you haven't tried Rainier cherries, they merit a special trip to the grocery store. But you may want to go soon.

The Case for Public Broadcasting

2005-06-26T10:00:00.000-04:00

Bill Moyers makes a wonderful and compelling argument for the survival of public broadcasting. He symbolizes all that is and has been right with public broadcasting over the past thirty years. Had I been deprived of his insights and those of his talented PBS colleagues over these many years, I am quite certain that my world view would be more limited and less informed.

I believe that knowledge is not merely facts, but the ability to discover relationships among them. I doubt this kind of critical thinking can be developed effectively by consuming commercial media. As Moyers explains more eloquently than I could, public broadcasting fills an essential niche in our society. Its survival is vitally important.

The cultural Visigoths stand now at gates, armed for the final charge that will end public broadcasting. They consider the free exchange of ideas to be contrary to the simple answers they espouse. I ask you, dear reader, if you ever enjoyed PBS, please tell your family, your friends, your neighbors, and your elected representatives how you feel about this issue. The intellectual descendants of Bill Moyers deserve to be heard by future generations, and those generations need to hear their valuable message.

The US House of Representatives voted Friday to restore $100 million in public broadcasting cuts. However, the budget bill has a long way to go before it becomes law. It's definitely too soon to declare victory.

A Barn Raising Experience

2005-06-24T22:00:00.000-04:00

Here is a site that provides pictures and descriptions for many interesting barns, water towers, castles, covered bridges, and other architectural highlights. Many of the structures are here in Ohio. Check it out!

Movie Quotes

2005-06-23T16:00:00.000-04:00

The American Film Institute announced their 100 greatest movie quotes. Most of the best ones are there, but they missed several of my favorites:

10	You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell... You're not even interesting enough to make me sick	The Witches of Eastwick	1987
9	Could be worse... could be raining	Young Frankenstein	1974
8	No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die	Goldfinger	1964
7	Now, that's a knife	Crocodile Dundee	1986
6	I've got a bad feeling about this	Star Wars	1977
5	Make yourself a danged quesadilla!	Napoleon Dynamite	2004
4	What in the wide, wide world of sports is a-goin' on here?	Blazing Saddles	1974
3	It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses... Hit it!	The Blues Brothers	1980
2	I cannot jump the distance, you'll have to toss me... Don't tell the elf	The Two Towers	2002
1	Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...	Office Space	1999

The Nookyalur Option

2005-06-22T22:00:00.000-04:00

President Bush Junior wants the taxpayers to underwrite the construction and operation of new nuclear power plants. It seems that no private firm is willing to accept the risks inherent in this troubled technology. If the free market economy so vaunted by Republicans wouldn't touch it for the past 25 years, why should the federal government get involved now? The short answer is it shouldn't.

The only winners in this plan are the President's generous friends in the energy industry. No special interest is worth damaging health and threatening public safety. Nuclear power plant operators have a long and infamous track record that suggests they cannot handle the responsibilities already entrusted to them. The last thing we need is to throw public money at this losing proposition.

If we absolutely must pursue this catastrophe, I suggest the first two facilities should be built in Crawford, Texas and Kennebunkport, Maine.

Disney OK for Rednecks

2005-06-22T21:30:00.000-04:00

The Southern Baptist Convention declared today an end to their eight year boycott aimed at the Walt Disney Company. The boycott was originally intended to express displeasure over the company's lack of hostility toward gays. Disney, to their credit, stuck by their principles and didn't capitulate (we can only speculate whether their primary motivation was (a) loyalty and egalitarian virtue, or (b) someone figured out that gays have a lot more money to spend than Baptists). Either way, the House of Mouse took the high road.

After eight long years, Bubba, Etta Mae, and the young'uns appear poised to descend again upon Anaheim and Orlando. Unseen for nearly a decade, theme park patrons will soon observe the return of distinctive fashions like the Mail Pouch ball cap, purple size XXL lycra stretch pants, black Harley-Davidson sleeveless T-shirts, shiny belt buckles bigger than your head, Confederate flag tattoos, the Dale Earnhardt #3 autograph leather jacket, and his-and-hers cowboy boots. In preparation, Disney would be wise to raise the price of beer, buy more tow trucks, and hire additional security guards. While they're at it, the parks will need more of those little guys with the brooms and dustpans to pick up discarded cigarette butts and disposable diapers.

As I think about it, maybe the Baptists did Disney a favor back in 1997. I'll bet it wouldn't take more than a couple of gay-themed rides to scare them off again. I can picture it now - Chip and Dale's Lavender Tree House. For a sports-oriented attraction, I suggest the Mighty Dykes. The plan is so easy and so effective that I'm surprised it hasn't already happened.

Are you listening, Mickey?

Custer's Name Was George Too

2005-06-21T22:00:00.000-04:00

Let's just suppose, for the purpose of this exercise, that you are a top aide to President George Bush Junior. Pretty much everyone except your boss has figured out that the war in Iraq isn't going well. Polls show that almost sixty percent of Americans now oppose the war. The question is what can you do to reverse the declining popularity of the President's war? Here are some options...

It would seem that the President's revolvers are out of bullets. He has already exhausted most of the obvious means for gaining public support. Since this war clearly cannot stand on its own merits, the result is a free fall plummet in the standing of both the President and his ill-conceived Middle Eastern adventure.

The President and his advisors now face a dilemma. Do they admit what many of us have known all along and cut their losses? Or, do they sacrifice what's left of their legacy upon the altar of doctrine? One way or the other, the Iraq debacle should soon be over.

May Good Fortune Be Yours

2005-06-19T23:00:00.000-04:00

When it's time for the check at a Chinese restaurant, they inevitably deliver with it an appropriate number of fortune cookies. I occasionally wonder whether the paper receipt might be tastier than the cookies stacked atop it. My theory is these restaurants distribute cookies for free because it's unlikely they could convince anyone to pay.

The fortunes inside are typically as bland as the cookie that surrounds them. The message is often complimentary in a vague sort of way.

          Your gentle nature will take you far

In other cases, the unseen author seeks to pass along a piece of ancient wisdom, again usually expressed with as little specificity as possible.

          Every sunrise brings a new contentment

Even the prescriptive advice can be pretty fuzzy.

          Follow your dreams wherever they lead you

These are all nice, tame thoughts. They certainly wouldn't unsettle anyone's recently consumed meal. However, it's all a bit too safe for my taste. Why can't there be a slightly edgy Chinese restaurant that pushes the proverbial envelope. As a public service, I offer Every Fool's alternative fortunes. These carefully chosen words should liven up any dinner conversation.

          Life is short - Order another round

          Only her hairdresser knows for sure

          Bet you can't toss this cookie in your date's glass

          It really does taste like chicken

          You will soon meet a short Asian man carrying a pen

          You smell like General Tso

          You will get exactly what you deserve

          Don't look for answers on little pieces of paper

          Stop it! You've had enough

          Time waits for no man; women are a different story

          You gonna eat that?

          Don't wait for Prince Charming

          I wouldn't ask for a doggie bag if I were you

          Life is funny - Why aren't you laughing?

          You will dream of your mother-in-law

          Chinese food is good for your cardiologist

          Don't pick your teeth

          The bakery next door sells real cookies

          Please pay with the smallest bills available

          Isn't this better than pizza?

          You will live long and make many people miserable

          If you expect a roll in the hay, choose a better restaurant next time

          Your reputation precedes you

          Your dining companion's fortune is better

See what I mean? We can have all kinds of fun with these dumb fortunes. There's just no sense in being so serious all of the time.

The Royal Playlist

2005-06-19T00:00:00.000-04:00

Have you heard that Prince Andrew bought an iPod Mini for his mother, Queen Elizabeth II? I say good for her. Why shouldn't the queen have a personal music device?

But to what, I wonder, will she be listening? Unlike George Bush Junior, she probably won't be announcing her playlists to the world. But that minor setback doesn't stop bloggers like me from speculating.

Let's start with the assumption that she prefers music written and performed by her subjects. We can further guess that any musician she has chosen to honor has a reasonable chance of making the list. We can eliminate from consideration any song that describes or advocates activities of which HRH wouldn't approve.

These ground rules give us enough to get started.

The Queen's Music

Sir Elton John - Your Song

Sir Paul McCartney (with the Beatles) - Let It Be

Sir Mick Jagger (with the Rolling Stones) - Time is on My Side

Brian May, CBE (with Queen) - You're My Best Friend

Sting, CBE - If You Love Somebody

David Gilmour, CBE (with Pink Floyd) - Shine On You Crazy Diamond

Eric Clapton, OBE - Let It Grow

John Mayall, OBE - Room to Move

Jimmy Page, OBE (with Led Zeppelin) - Stairway to Heaven

Roger Daltrey, OBE (with the Who) - My Generation

This playlist should keep the old gal amused for a while.

Gee, I Talk Funny

2005-06-16T23:32:00.000-04:00

I recently had a rather frustrating telephone conversation with a man from India. We were both nominally speaking English, but I had to ask him to repeat the same words multiple times, and I'm still wondering what he meant to convey. I am quite certain that he didn't comprehend much of my message either.

Later it occurred to me that his thick accent might be a matter of perspective. Some quick research revealed that the English speaking population of India is considerably larger than that of the US, Canada, the UK, Australia, and New Zealand combined. Perhaps we are the ones who have an unusual manner of speech.

Midweek Roundup

2005-06-15T21:30:00.000-04:00

I've observed many times that the world is filled with things I don't understand. Maybe that's because time moved forward and I failed to notice. Maybe it's because the world is simply more confusing than it used to be. I prefer to believe that there is just more to not know. Whatever the reason, here's what perplexes me tonight.

Microsoft announced ten more Windows vunlnerabilities yesterday. Why do we keep paying for this garbage?

The federal government once again compromised our privacy while testing an air passenger screening system. Shouldn't someone besides me find these continuing lapses outrageous?

George Cooney, the former Bush administration toady who admitted altering scientific reports on global warming, accepted a job with Exxon, the world's largest oil company. How does the administration's unsavory relationship with big oil not generate a firestorm?

The US Justice department is busy finalizing a sweetheart deal that will allow the tobacco industry to escape with far lower damages than previously expected. Why would we want to give these mobsters a break?

If you comprehend this stuff, I invite you to explain it to me.

Another Useless Revelation

2005-06-14T23:00:00.000-04:00

If Jedi knights had a clue about birth control, we'd have three fewer Star Wars movies.

Beat It (or the Lesser Freak Show?)

2005-06-13T19:00:00.000-04:00

Michael Jackson is innocent on all counts. So says a jury of his, um, peers (you couldn't find one other guy like that anywhere on the planet, let alone twelve, but no matter). So how do we interpret this result?

Jackson had more legal firepower

The jury wanted to make a statement

The accuser and his family were scarier than Michael

The prosecution tried the case in the media

The jury was awestruck by a world renowned star

The police botched the investigation

The jury felt sorry for poor, misunderstood Michael

It's a race thing

The judge let the proceedings get out of control

He really didn't molest those boys

I'm inclined to think number three is the best explanation. Michael Jackson is a spectacularly weird guy. It appears that he also has some proclivities that render him an inappropriate companion for young boys. Nevertheless, my guess is that the jury was willing to overlook these obvious flaws because they thought the victim's family was a bunch of greedy low-life con artists.

Is the verdict just? Probably not, but this debacle might persuade parents that never would be a good time for their kids to visit Neverland. In that regard, the cause of protecting children may yet be served.

Irrational Optimism Department

2005-06-12T22:00:00.000-04:00

It's June 12th and the Cleveland Indians have a winning record. Better still, they have a better record than the hated Yankees.

Now that's what I call flirting with respectability.

Music Hating Virus

2005-06-11T19:59:00.000-04:00

A virus was recently released in Romania that deletes files containing Gypsy music from infected machines. After a Romanian anti-virus firm promptly released signatures designed to thwart this menace, they received complaints. Several of their customers felt the virus offered a beneficial service and should not have been stopped.

Before anyone gets the bright idea to employ a similar technique to eradicate country music in the US, I must point out that besides being seriously illegal, unleashing such a virus would be unlikely to have much effect. After all, computer viruses pose a danger only to people who actually own a computer.

Tough Sell

2005-06-11T16:00:00.000-04:00

It seems that even the young, disadvantaged, and gullible are getting wise to the dubious pitches offered by military recruiters. Increasingly, these young men and women are figuring out that money, education, prestige, and patriotism aren't worth much when you're dead. The lack of a clear objective in Iraq or any end in sight doesn't help either.

The inescapable conclusion is that the war in Iraq is not worth the cost - in lives, in dollars, in lost opportunities, or in national stature. It was, and is, a terrible mistake. No marketing, by the Bush administration or by recruiters, can alter that reality.

Let's all remember George Bush Junior's promise during the second debate, "We're not going to have a draft, period." That seemingly definitive pronouncement recalls his father saying "Read my lips - no new taxes." I guess we know how that one worked out.

The time is coming soon when we must collectively revisit the question of how much the continued pursuit of this war is worth to America. For me, the price was too steep from the beginning. However, for those further right on the ideological spectrum, this remains an open question. They too have their price beyond which additional investment cannot be justified. With each day, each life, each dollar, and each setback, public support erodes. More and more people, including many Bush loyalists, now question the administration's goals, methods, and results in Iraq. The most recent AP poll results indicate that support for the war has fallen to just 41%.

In the end, it may come down to Republican legislators choosing between support for the president and retaining their seats next year. I've been watching politics long enough to recognize that quite a few in Congress will select the latter course. When this shift occurs, it will be a welcome first step toward moderating the excesses of the past four and a half years.

Good Law, Bad Policy

2005-06-09T18:30:00.000-04:00

The US Supreme Court ruled on Monday that the federal government may enforce restrictive federal marijuana laws despite state and local statutes permitting its use for medicinal purposes. This judgment should come as no surprise. It follows over one hundred years of precedent with regard to the primacy of federal law in any situation that even vaguely resembles interstate commerce. The Civil War was fought for several reasons. One was to settle the question of states' rights. Any other ruling would have been a revolutionary departure of a sort that would be inconceivable for the current court.

Justice John Paul Stevens, writing for the majority, said the question of medical marijuana should be addressed by Congress. I agree. It's time for new laws at the federal level that acknowledge the reality that many people derive benefit from this treatment. There is no reason why law-abiding citizens should have to choose between criminality and suffering. If a board certified medical doctor believes this drug will help their patient, that's assurance enough for me. It should be good enough for our government as well. Harassing sick people is cruel and pointless. It serves no public purpose.

At best, the current laws are misguided paternalism. At worse, they represent government enforcement of the pharmaceutical oligopoly. Either way, the existing policy does far more harm than good. It's no longer a matter of tune in, turn on, and drop out. Today's flower children would be happy to simply stand up, walk forward, and live on. They deserve that opportunity.

Downing a Six Pack

2005-06-03T23:00:00.000-04:00

There's a popular meme now about sharing one's six favorite songs (or books or restaurants or whatever). No one has tagged me yet, but that doesn't mean I can't share my preferences.

For my six songs, I wanted to capture something reasonably representative from each of six decades (shudder!) in which I've lived. These probably aren't the best songs, even in my opinion, and they certainly weren't the most popular. The songs below capture the spirit of that time for me. I love these songs and I will always want them in my collection.

1950s Buddy Holly / Peggy Sue - It was hard to not pick Elvis. But in my mind, Buddy Holly was more innovative and influential. You'll hear his influence in all sorts of unlikely places. Consider, for example the song structures and chord progressions used by punk bands like the Ramones. Beneath all of that carrying on is the dead guy with the dorky glasses.

1960s The Mamas and the Papas / California Dreamin' - OK, the Beatles and Stones were both better, but the Mamas and the Papas captured that one moment so perfectly. The world was still young, idealistic, and hopeful. This sweet but exotic sounding song made many people yearn for the California sunshine.

1970s The Allman Brothers Band / Jessica - Once again, I passed over obvious choices like The Eagles, Steely Dan, Elton John, David Bowie, and Pink Floyd. I chose the Allman Brothers in part because that band symbolizes triumph, loss, recovery, and redemption. The seventies were such a decade. We lost our innocence, our trust, our leadership, and our common sense. Yet, through it all, we persevered and sometimes even smiled. The song is at once totally under control, yet ready to break loose at any moment. It sounds like a jam session, but the joyous precision with which it is executed argues otherwise.

1980s Guns N Roses / Sweet Child 'O Mine - I toyed with Dire Straits, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and Tom Petty, but this song's edgy sound and tender lyrics best capture the contradictions of that era. Kinder and gentler indeed. Sweet Child 'O Mine is simply beautiful in a way that virtually no other metal song ever approached.

1990s Nirvana / Smells Like Teen Spirit - If this is the nineties, that must be Grunge. Nirvana, along with Pearl Jam and a couple of other Seattle bands, changed the way rock music sounds. More than ten years after his tragic death, Kurt Cobain's influence is everywhere. As for the words, well, never mind.

2000s Coldplay / Clocks - I don't pretend to know where the music scene is headed next, but I hope this sound is a part of it. Its swirling sophistication provides an interesting counterpoint to desperate lyrics. In today's world, all the roses have thorns.

Those are my six. Anyone else?

Let's Hear It for Clean Air

2005-06-01T23:00:00.000-04:00

Smoke-free restaurants are a delight. I complain about politicians, and often justifiably so. However, I have to commend the local leaders in many municipalities that have passed smoking bans for restaurants.

Not only are smoke-free restaurants healthier, they are popular as well. In Columbus, there was a measure on the primary ballot last month that sought to weaken the smoking ban. It was soundly defeated. Now there is talk of a statewide anti-smoking initiative. They can count on my vote!

Thank You, Deep Throat

2005-06-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

Back in the 70s, I was amazed and fascinated by the tragic demise of Richard Nixon. In true Shakespearean fashion, this dark prince and his scheming courtiers fell from the heights, betrayed by their insecurities and lust for power. It's easy to forget that this drama took more than two years to play out. Each day, it seemed there was new revelation. Eventually, the Watergate scandal gained so much momentum that only the details of the endgame remained in question. When the final day arrived in August 1974, it was almost anti-climactic.

Our society and our government still bear scars from this experience. Many in my generation will never again completely trust any leader. Yet, we learned a number of valuable lessons as well. Chief among these is the danger of concentrating too much power in too few hands.

When Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein released their classic book, "All the President's Men," I couldn't put it down. This was a mystery, but a riveting real life one where the stakes were nothing less than the welfare of the nation. The authors skillfully tell the tale of how they unraveled the Watergate scandal and helped to topple a president.

One of the key characters in the book was the shadowy Deep Throat. Named for an X-rated film of the day, Deep Throat was an anonymous source within the government who helped the reporters gather facts. I can still hear Hal Holbrook in the 1976 movie version growling the famous line, "Follow the money..."

For more than thirty years, the identity of Deep Throat remained a secret. Woodward and Bernstein insisted that they would reveal their source only after his death. Dozens of books and articles were published by various Nixon administration insiders speculating about who might have been Deep Throat. Popular guesses included Al Haig, Leonard Garment, John Sears, Pat Buchanan, John Dean, and even Henry Kissinger. Other observers declared the character to be merely a composite created for dramatic effect.

Yesterday, we learned that the real Deep Throat was Mark Felt. He was a career FBI man and deputy director of that agency at the time. He had access to the findings of the official investigation.

Presumably his motivation was outrage that justice and the rule of law were being subverted by political hacks like his boss L. Patrick Gray. Nevertheless, Felt hid the secret all these years because he believed divulging it would bring disgrace to his family.

I salute Mark Felt as an American hero. His courage, then and now, stand as a model for all who seek to better our nation. The easy course would have been to simply play along. He didn't do that. Instead, Felt found a novel means to reveal the top level corruption and lies uncovered by the FBI. Without this stealthy patriot, we probably would have had no trials, no hearings, no tapes, no impeachment, and no resignation. We owe him a huge debt of thanks.

Moving to the present, there are several parallels between the Nixon and Bush Junior administrations:

Both were trapped in unpopular wars in Asia

Both engaged in unprecedented domestic spying

Both were obsessed with secrecy

Both were accused of widespread election irregularities

Both actively participated in the overthrow of third world leaders

Both undermined the formal structure of government

Both exploited major world events for political gain

Both sought to bend the truth to fit their agenda

However, a key difference is that Bush Junior lacks Nixon's innate political sense and pragmatism. He is considerably more dogmatic and inflexible. These traits make Bush particularly dangerous. When Nixon took the nation to the brink of a constitutional crisis, he had the wisdom to step back from the precipice, even when it meant his own political death. I have no illusion that Bush Junior would make the same choice in a comparable situation.

I believe we need citizens like Mark Felt now more than ever.

Capture Saddam
Hold elections
Attack rebels
Conduct domestic PR campaign
Use comatose woman as diversion
Declare victory
Talk about terrorism
Claim US is winning
Wave the flag
Distort the facts